Past the Paralysis

So while I'm feeling better and I'm mulling over my project, here is one more post for the night.

Yesterday I worked on my computer. Slowly and painfully. I really need to get better at these programs, even as simple as SketchUp.

I gave up after a while because I'd been tired all day, despite catching a few hours of sleep (obviously not enough). I fell asleep around 11 and woke up around 12:30. Worked for a little bit and passed out again, with my arms feeling numb and my legs feeling like I'd been walking all day..... woke up around 4am, worked until 6:30, and gave up for the rest of the night/morning.

Thank God I didn't have to go to work, because I wouldn't have been able to go back to sleep.

So there I was in my bed with my laptop (I wasn't worried about it falling off my bed - I don't move at night when I'm so exhausted), books and papers all around me, half in my pajamas and half in the clothes I'd been wearing all day, with my glasses on my desk and my phone in my hand. I didn't even set my alarm for 10am before I started to lose consciousness.

I was in sleep paralysis mode already and I didn't notice until I heard scratching at my door. I couldn't move. Mere inches of solid mass separated me from something terrifying.

- What is that.....

The scratching grew louder and slightly clearer, as if it passed through the door. I imagined the shadow of a claw slipping underneath the door and turning itself right-side-up.

- Oh, that..... Okay...

I'm so used to creepy, strange noises in my fits of delirium that I wasn't so much phased by this as I was actually trying to study myself....

- And now, I bet.....

Shivers! Up and down my spine, then spreading throughout my entire body -- everywhere! Shivers! ....I felt like I was dying, as this shadow continued to seep into my room filled with light that I hadn't cared to turn off. But I knew it was coming, after all. The Shivers of sleep paralysis are the closest thing I can relate to Death... It feels like seconds, but those seconds are comprised of minutes. Time doesn't make sense.

So I let my body suffer from it while I held on to my awareness. It was fading fast, and I struggled to hang on. It's difficult to do, and tiring in a different way. With my body asleep, my mental exhaustion began to take on a physical sense...still, it wasn't quite the same. It seemed worse.

But I did it. I passed through the first window that always closes before me.

What happened next was completely new to me, after years of trying to get there.

The scratching changed, ever so slightly. The shadow dispersed and faded into the vent, the corners, and cracks.

The scratching turned into a printing machine's voice..

I only saw what was before me -- my hand holding my phone, my room filled with light, my blanket around me... but I heard someone picking up papers from the printer and tapping them on a hard surface to straighten them out.

- What do I do..? ..... .. . . .. Hey.......... .. . . .. hey... . . .. "Hey."

It's all I could do. But it was enough. The woman holding the stack of papers stood still, listening like a deer. I spoke to her and she heard me.

"Hey," I said again.

"What is that? ... Is she talking to me?" I heard her muffled voice, still forming in my head.

And another voice said, "Shh--" but I recognized him already.

"Don't talk, just listen," said Alex.

"But what did she say?"
"Shh!"

I tried to say something else, but the words didn't come out. I couldn't think, so I only repeated myself. This time, it came out in the wrong world.

"Hey," I said to nobody in my room. I could tell the difference. It obviously wasn't in my head that I heard it that time.

Stay still, I told myself. Just a couple of minutes and I'll be back again..

The printing resumed. I tried to talk. But the window closed, and I fell asleep.

An Idea or two (......hundred...)

Last night, I found myself running around outside in the middle of the day with my sister and dad. I knew that something was different, but I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that we were running on a green plain that suddenly became the top of a hill.

I ran ahead when I saw a little stone building. Beyond that, the land fell.

It was a robot cemetery.

Not a junkyard.

However these robots "died," they were reconstructed for their burial.

But they didn't decompose. They were their own tombstones and memorials being slowly covered by vines.

I saw rows upon rows of these robots -- they stretched all the way to the bottom of the hill and beyond, growing into the valley below. The ones at the top of the hill were there first; I could tell by the way they were almost hidden beneath the creeping plants.

All stood silently -- a quiet, strong army of a continuous generation.

I didn't think in words (do I ever?), but if I did, it would translate to this:

Robots have souls..?

They must. ... because of this.

Now that I'm writing about this, I realize that a certain dream motif has come up again: the inevitability of nature's conquest. That no matter how advanced technology gets, nature will continue to run its course. Without maintenance, all that we've achieved can be covered up and reclaimed by the earth, forgotten in time.

I never stopped to think about what that must say about me, though.

Plants usually denote growth, fertility, creativity, or even freedom. The fact that I've dreamt of vines should mean that there's something that wants to get out. It's me wanting to be creative. My thoughts and ideas wrap around and around, entangling with each other and never fully developing or defining themselves. It's a mess, my brain....

I can't say I haven't felt that way about my projects this semester. I know I have good ideas. I know I can create something amazing from them, but something is holding me back.

I wonder what it means to have dreamt of vines over robots..?

And why robots?

P.S. - Don't say I'm being held back by procrastinating (aka writing in my blog), because that's not it. :p

I feel rotten.

Symptoms are coming back, and I don't know what else to do about it other than take Ibuprofen or Advil. It's difficult to focus on schoolwork when pain comes in waves and I find myself trying to time the bouts. There doesn't seem to be a pattern...... although, in more general time spans, I think I can safely say that it gets pretty bad in the cold weather.

Yet I love the fall.

A few nights ago, I fell asleep thinking about this.

I dreamt... that I took off my clothes

and I took off my skin

and underneath all those layers of epidermis and fat was rotten meat, with little snakes and parasites slithering between my muscles.

I feel like that's what I would find if I could tear away at myself. Too-red flesh, riddled with even darker spots here and there, some spots larger than others. Pain comes and goes, coursing through my body in what I can only describe as lines. I'm bruised somewhere inside, even though it doesn't look like it on the exterior.

Something is eating away at me.

Mountain Gem

About a month ago, I had a vivid dream of a massive, heavy building that rose out of the earth.

If seen from the front, it looks like a building.

If seen from the back, it looks like it's part of the mountain on which it stood.

September 10, 2010 __friday____

Me:	last night i dreamt of a student life center that was designed to cut into a hill.
Me:	it was more like a small mountain
Me:	most of the exposed part of the building was made of glass
Me:	there were at least 2 floors to it
Me:	if you looked at the mountain from far away and saw the building, it looked as if it was a diamond set in jewelry
Me:	it was lodged in the mountain, fully grounded and half buried beneath the earth
Matt:	I can actually picture that one pretty well :)
Me:	good, i'm really glad
Me:	it was beautiful
Me:	the floors were designed to blend into the mountain, they were dark brown or gray in color
Me:	the second floor (study rooms) became the awning of some shops or stores on the first floor
Me:	the main area of the building, down on the first floor, was exposed and set at a double height ceiling
Me:	so that the second floor looked more like a shelf
Me:	there may have even been a third floor designed similarly
Me:	and looking from the outside, it looked like the glass facade was there simply to house the shelves carved out of the mountainside
Matt:	:) :)
Me:	at one point in my dream when i was walking around on the second floor looking out, i became lucid and thought, "oh my god, i dreamt this?"
Matt:	hahaha
Me:	but then i fell back into the story that played out..

I remember walking on the second floor of the building, right beside the glass curtain wall that stretched from the floor to the ceiling and reached for each side wall of rock.

I walked away from the window towards the back area (which was blanketed underneath the mountainside). There, further separated into little nooks by bookshelves and other furniture, was a fully furnished and cozy-looking study area. Despite the open floor plan of the entire building and the fact that it was a student life center, the carpeted study was placed in a corner that was away from more distracting noise levels.

Directly beneath me were shops and small cafes that the students could access. In the middle of the building, greeting guests as they walked in through the entrance, was an information desk.

There were at least two entrances: the entrance on the main floor, and one on the second floor. I came in through the second floor entrance, which was more like a big balcony.......

The rest of the program can be figured out based on what I dreamt.... I should sketch it out to see if it makes sense.

Here is what it looked like from the outside.

There may be details missing. Perhaps if I drew it right when I woke up (instead of waiting a month and a half to do so), it would be different. But that is the form that I remember. From another angle, you can see more of what's inside. Meaning, more sketches are to come.

As I stood inside the building in my dream and I looked outside, I could see a town in the valley not far away.... That's when I became lucid and considered staying still for the rest of the dream just to hear my imagination create sounds based on walls and materials that I made up. Yet in these moments, rather than stay lucid and risk waking up, I find myself willingly choose to fall back into the story of the dream. I don't remember what I did for the rest of the time I was there. Only the gem remains in my mind.

Facebook Note 1: At The Park

10.19.2008 __sunday____

I dreamt I was in the van with my family, and Auntie Veron, and Matthew. We were on our way to some amusement park, but it was cold in the back where Matthew and I were, so I went back into the house to get a blue blanket. It took a long time to get to where we were going. I took a nap after I watched us drive away from Lansdowne (if only I remembered the route we took -- I wonder if it really exists -- probably not).

When we got to the park and started walking on the grass, there was the sidewalk that some of us walked on, and then there was a sort of lawn. I was walking on the grass. There was one section marked by a rock -- actually, two, one on each end -- that began to sink underneath me as I walked on it. That's when I remembered.

I dreamt this before.
All of it.
(It must've been one of those dreams that I forgot when I awoke in the morning and left me feeling incomplete)

I jumped away from the hole that was covered by the faux grass... I would've fallen through if I weighed a little more. Or if I walked over the very center of the ditch. I pulled Matthew away, too, and told everyone to walk around.
At that point, a man came up to me and reminded me of the dog. He told me what to do to get away from it, since I couldn't last time. Or maybe I did, with a lot of trouble and time wasted in the dream. In any case, this older man told me to avoid certain areas of the room I was about to enter ("Stay away from the corner by the far doorway"), to stand on some tables, and to make certain movements to make the dog go outside.
I was expecting to see the demonic dog that I dreamt of last time. But when I walked into a nearby house and stood by the doorway of an almost empty, white livingroom, my point of view changed. Through some invisible eye near the ceiling, I saw a dog enter the room. I saw my shadow by the door across the room. Instead of seeing the same dog, this one was smaller. It was a puppy, the younger version of the same animal. He still attempted to be vicious, and I didn't do anything less than what the man told me, but I wasn't nearly as scared as I was before. Soon enough, the puppy sprinted out of the room, and the tension followed it. I followed, as well. Back outside, my family was still standing around, but they were playing with the puppy, who was now free of all malevolence. They didn't understand how the room affected him, and how dangerous he would've been if he was fully grown. I couldn't tell them this happened before, in a different time. (But the man knew....)

The scene changed, but we were in the same general area. I was inside some building with Matthew -- everyone else was somewhere around us, but not important at the time. We sat by a pool, the walls around us bricks.... The pool walls themselves were painted a dark red to match the rest of the wide room. I don't remember what I was wearing, or what everyone else around me was wearing. But I was thinking of going into the water -- the water that looked like clear blood now.
Matthew sat on the edge, one leg dangling into the pool, the other along the edge. It was in a cast, starting from his knee going all the way down to his foot -- or where his foot would've been. There was a stub there in its place, with a nail in the middle.....
He said to me, "Just take it off.....please..."
I don't remember hearing myself say anything, but I had the idea in my head that I told him I couldn't. I wouldn't. The doctor tried so hard to help, and it was working. Really.
"There's nothing. good. about this," he continued, "I don't know what you mean. ....what miracle...."
He could've lost his entire leg....
I was standing behind him by this point. All of a sudden, the doctor showed up next to me.
The water in the pool was gone.
And Matthew started to cry.

The scene changed again. Again, same general area.
I definitely remember dreaming of this part of the park or wherever we were... several times.
So let's go back to one of my past dreams.

It's difficult to explain the scenery, I'd have to draw it for you. (Maybe I will sometime.....)
Imagine standing on a boardwalk by a vast lake, containing nothing but crystal clear water and rocks covered in blue-green algae.
Now imagine a sort of structure about one football field's length away, the structure itself being around that length as well. It looks like it could be a really long bird watching tower... but I don't really know how to describe it, because that's not what it is. It's made of steel. There's a platform at the top that juts out of the right side, and has ladders extening downward from it, not really reaching anywhere.. They kind of just hang there. The middle part of the structure is mostly a sort of roof. The only way to get across is to balance on a pole, or a very thin platform.. and hold on to a pole above your head. On the other side of the structure is yet another platform, but instead of being on the top, it's on the bottom so that people can walk on it. And there are ladders going up this time, leading to a second floor that juts out towards the viewer on the boardwalk.

The first time I dreamt of this, I was walking along the edge of the lake. But instead of having a shore, there's a cliff. I was walking along there, below the boardwalk, in the direction of a town even farther below, just above the water. Everything was on stilts, and the sky was gray with clouds. I actually entered this little town, and somehow got myself over to the structure in the lake. I even walked across the plank and held onto the bar above my head. And I could see across to the other side of the lake, and saw the shore there....

This time, in last night's dream, I was with Matthew on the boardwalk, the sky was clear of clouds, and there were people on the tower-thing. Matt didn't have a cast on his leg anymore; he was fine. It never happened. Again, my family was nowhere to be seen. I told him, "Do you see that?"
"Of course I do... Why?"
"Just making sure you see it...." Then I added,"I dreamt of this before, but last time --"
"-- What?" he interrupted.
".....Nothing."
Then, luckily, I noticed a girl walking along the plank, with her hands above her head. She was in the shadows, and all I could see was her steady silhouette. I pointed her out to Matthew, who joined me in watching her...
As she came out of the shadows, her golden hair shining in the light, I saw that her hands weren't grasping the horizontal pole to steady herself. She was just balancing. I called out, "She's going to fall! Oh my god..."
I was watching the rocks below....The girl looked too high above the water.. The water looked too shallow.
And so she lost her balance.

She fell into the water, and as I gasped, everyone around me turned to watch. The other teenagers climbing all over the structure stopped. Along the cliffs, there were some people who were planning on diving into the deeper parts -- but still dangerous... Everyone watched as she fell into the water. I waited for a line of blood to rise up and color the lake, but she kept falling. She stopped moving finally, and still didn't hit the bottom -- the rocks were farther below than I thought.
But she began to convulse a little, from lack of oxygen. She pushed herself upwards as fast as she could, but was very weak from losing her orietation. ...She reached the surface, though, and caught her breath.
She couldn't tread water very well. She fell beneath the surface again and began sinking, but brought herself up the same way. Nobody moved from where they were. The girl clumsily swam over to the boardwalk, but I lost sight of her as she neared the cliffs. Everyone around started laughing at her, and surprisingly, she laughed with them.

The scene changed. Same place.
To the left of the structure, on land, the boardwalk extended.... At the end of the boardwalk, there was pretty much nothing. At the same time, there was.
I dreamt of this before, as well.

In my first dream of this place, I stood on the edge of the boardwalk, which simply ended and had no destination. Ahead was sand, mixed with an array of trash and dead things. In the middle of all of it, straight ahead, was a scarecrow.
I was curious and wanted to get a better look at it -- I could barely see what it looked like, or how it was positioned. From what I could see, the scarecrow seemed to sit on an extremely high seat instead of standing up straight, leaning on a pole.
Curioser and curioser.
I stepped down from the safety of the boardwalk.
In doing so, I thought I saw the scarecrow's leg slip down a little, but at the same time a crow flew by with something in its mouth, so I figured it just moved the leg. I continued to walk over, and I remember my sisters were nearby, still on the boardwalk. I don't remember if they said anything to me.
I stepped over dead bodies. A cat. A mouse. Maybe that one thing was a person at one point. There was litter everywhere. But everything, for the most part, had lost its color in the sun and now blended in nicely with the sand around it. I made my way over to the chair upon which the scarecrow sat, but before I could get close enough to see his face, I saw bones jutting out from his ragged clothes. The almost-skeleton held on to the seat of the chair as he dropped himself down. To my level.
I was still a few feet off. He began to adjust his legs and dusted himself off. Then he looked at me and made a coughing sound. But it was rhythmic, and he moved slowly to the beat of it. It wasn't coughing, but I don't know how else to describe it.
He ran towards me.
But as he did, he did a sort of terrifying dance, making movements with his hands, scooping up the air as if he drew his energy and life from all that was around him.
I ran.
I stumbled over every dead thing that lay in my way, but I ran.
He was so fast, though... as all things are in chasing dreams.
I climbed up onto the boardwalk, where my sisters were waiting for me. The scarecrow was right behind me and almost grabbed my leg. But as I turned around, I saw he stood just in front of the boardwalk... Right in front of my feet. He screeched and paced back and forth. He circled me and my sisters. He stepped over bones and kicked dead bodies and sand.
Then he walked away and sat on his throne again. Facing me.

In last night's dream, I saw that Matthew wanted to walk on the boardwalk and see what it led to, since it was so long. We walked past the structure, past all the people laughing and having fun. Then it was only sand. And I saw lumps in the sand. And I saw a shadow in the distance. I could almost hear the beat of the scarecrow's song...I turned around and told Matthew to follow me back. He did, and the coughing noise subsided.

Last part of my dream. Same area.
We were inside another building, on an elevator. Again, it was just me and Matthew going around. As we got on the elevator, we were headed down to the main floor, which had nothing in it. The elevator itself didn't really have a door that closed; it was simply an open space, and you could see the floors you passed. He kissed me.. and then pressed several floor buttons. 9, 4, 1, 7.
There were other people on the elevator with us. A woman made announcements over the loudspeaker, such as, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the main floor. I hope you have enjoyed your stay at ______." (Sadly, I don't remember where we were...)
When Matthew pressed the buttons, the elevator changed its course and ascended to the 9th floor. There was nothing there but beams that supported the building. As we all moved upwards, the woman said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very sorry for the inconvenience. This floor is no longer in use and has been completely erased. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Next floor, 7."
It was the same for floor 7.
There was a 4th floor, but we didn't get off. No one did. It was just a long hallway with a vent at the end -- possibly a portal into another dream.
As we passed, there was no 3rd floor. There was no 2nd floor, either.
We reached the first floor.
I don't remember what it was.
I woke up.

Xanga Post 25: Outside in a Dream

I have finally reached the end of my Xanga posts concerning dreams! Considering how much I like to write, it's ironic that it consists of only one sentence.

1.27.2007 __saturday____
I had a dream last night that I was watching myself sleep.

That's all it was. For however many hours I was asleep, that's all I remember seeing. Time was so incredibly slow...(or, perhaps more likely, I dreamt of other things but didn't remember them).

I can't say the same for everyone else, but I don't like hearing my voice. I don't like seeing my face from certain angles in pictures or videos. I don't like a lot of things about my physical appearance. Why did I dream of seeing myself?

Well, it's probably because I fell asleep thinking about ghosts or something, honestly.

I stood by my door. Very faintly, I could feel my own blanket surrounding me. I felt a cool breeze kissing my neck as I stood, in tandem with some undefined warmth that happened to be my pillow. And my arm wasn't really hanging limply by my side, but was underneath me, pressing into the mattress. There I stood. But there I slept.

Something about seeing myself curled up in bed that made me realize that I'm just a person. Whether it was just a dream or another strange phenomenon (because dreams are pretty strange), I wasn't that concerned about it. I was focused too much on just looking at this girl. My own self was nowhere to be detected; I was a complete outsider.

It's so damn difficult to describe what it feels like to be in two places at once; to confuse the physical with the imaginary. To me, it's become such a cliche topic... I'm not sure who actually understands it. I'm still not sure if I understand it. At night, feeling or doing multiple things simultaneously doesn't confuse or fluster me. But if I try to recall the same thing in the middle of the day......it's impossible. Yet I have trouble keeping track of events....

So many times during the day, I have to actually ask myself if I did something or not. Simple things remind me of something I dreamt years ago, and I'm left with a sense of nostalgia that I can't shake.

Whether or not you can relate to this kind of experience isn't really the question, though. Because you will never be able to fully relate to me.

I'm not trying to sound like a downer; that's just how it is.

So I dreamt of myself and now I'm talking about it. So what?

Well....this blog is partially pointless because of the fact that it's too personal. It's definitely not one of those blogs that everyone can read and say, "Oh, yeah, that's happened to me before."

That's not what I wanted. This wasn't made for everyone to relate to so easily.... But on certain levels, you can relate. You have to think about it.

At least I'm giving you examples of different types of dreams that you might have had.... And at least I'm offering some insight or letting you see things in a different way..... right? (maybe not. but I hope I am.)

While I am always interested in hearing about others' dreams and am more than willing to talk about them when asked -- I can't fully interpret them for you. There's an unlimited amount of creativity that the mind can offer. There is also an endless supply of interpretations that each dream can give.

It's what you wake up feeling that makes it meaningful.

It's what you get from it years later that can help define who you are.

Xanga Post 24: Paintings and Sketches

11.7.2006 __tuesday____
EW. I just got one of my random "dream flashes." This one was in black and white. I dreamt I was on some rocky shore/cliff. It was cloudy, the waves were getting violent, and the shore I was on was more like a small peninsula of only rocks. I remember the water was splashing on the rocks, and it hit my face as I walked along in a white dress... I remember it was freezing, but I couldn't feel a thing in the dream. While I was walking around and seeing my surroundings (nothing at all except the waves and the sky around the shore, blending into the horizon), I was fully aware I was dreaming. ...In my dream, I understood I was in a painting..! Weird.

I don't remember this one. Thank God I wrote it down.

I'm reminded of another dream that I want to tell you about. I'm not sure when I dreamt it (probably about 2 years ago at this point), and I'm not sure if I wrote it down anywhere...

It started out as a white nothing. An infinite something.
Then, I saw this diagonal line being drawn from the middle of the void to the top right. Then a line dropped down from the top. The angle that was formed by the two lines began to take on a toned characteristic.

A few more lines appeared here and there; shading followed...
Then all these lines (which began to depict the back of a girl as she looked at a book) began to grow closer together, folding this picture in on itself.
And then they crossed each other and the picture flipped. Except it didn't.
My view changed, although the lines remained the same. No longer was this a 2-dimensional drawing that I was looking at; it was now a 3-dimensional sketch. I saw the girl's face, faintly. It was supposed to be me.

The rest of the dream was much of the same. I basically watched a picture being sketched out in my mind. It was beautiful the way it worked out, focusing on certain details and zooming out to view the broader picture at other times. Soon, a room was formed around me....

And then the "paper" was crumpled up and I was left in darkness for the remaining minutes/hours I was asleep. It seemed like seconds.

Do you ever look at paintings or sketches (not photographs) and try to put yourself in them? What happens once you walk past the border of the canvas, or out of the page? Is there a depth that you can traverse?

And is the sky made of blue and white paint?
.......Can you smell the graphite on the ground?.....

Xanga Post 23: Layers

9.4.2006 __monday____
I can make myself dream what I want..! I'm getting better at it. But I need to actually learn to control them. It comes and goes on its own, but it's happening more frequently. Then again, it happened frequently before, and then faded for a year. And then came back. So it comes in waves, I guess.

Speaking of waves. The other night, or the night before that (whichever night felt like a monsoon), it sounded like there was an ocean outside my house, with the rain and the wind in the trees blending together. I fell asleep to that sound.

It's funny that I'm reading this now, because all hell broke loose yesterday. ... via storm clouds.

I love falling asleep to the sound of rain, especially when I'm at home. My room is in the attic of the house, so the only thing physically separating me from the rain is the ceiling/roof. It makes storms sound so much louder and closer. Like an ocean.

It's times like those when I become aware that there are only so many inches of solid, layered material keeping the rain from landing on my face....

Xanga Post 22: Closed vs. Open

7.17.2006 __monday____
Last night, I had such a lucid dream...! I knew I was dreaming, and I could restart whenever I wanted to. I was in a white building (it said "golf" on the entrance. ... haha) with some friends. It's like I was giving them a hidden tour, and I was their guide to travelling into a different world.. We went into rooms until we were so far into the building that nobody could find us. I remember walking down a white hallway and opening a white door to reveal a room where everything defies gravity. There was a ledge we walked on in the room, leading to the left, to another door. Then another hallway.. turn right, go through the door. Make another right, open the door hidden to your left. Go straight across the room and through that door. One more left turn, and we were there. But where were we? Everytime we walked through the door, I always thought of something I forgot to do, and so I started the dream over again. Then I could feel myself waking up, and I couldn't keep myself asleep. I did wake up, but then I made myself fall asleep again. Still, I didn't get to see what was at the end (if that was the end).

I used to try to remember how I moved through spaces in my dreams. As if I could recreate them again. I don't even remember what the place looked like, anymore. At least, not right now. Maybe in a few years it'll come to me....

I know better, now. I've learned since then that there's so much more to pay attention to than simply where I go.

But it's interesting to note the circulation path that can be mapped, based on my description. I could have easily dreamt of an overlapping path that leads to different rooms instead of the same room, creating a nonsensical, impossible setting. I could have travelled up or down stairs, taken an elevator and created an entire other level to explore.
When I dreamt this, I was all too aware of the places I wasn't experiencing. There were doors that I skipped. There were too many walls. There were so many closed spaces. Everything was seemingly private, hidden, or off limits.

There weren't even any windows. I have no idea what the outside world looked like.

In my own dream, I felt somewhat......unwelcome. But that's what happens when everything is hidden from view, leaving one surrounded by walls, floors, and ceilings. Virtually, the structure becomes a labyrinth.
Thus, open floor plans and windows are often necessary to encourage a good, healthy, welcoming atmosphere.

It was quite an adventure.

Xanga Post 21: Time of the Demon

This painting creates a pretty accurate depiction of what sleep paralysis is like, for those who have never experienced it. It literally feels like a demon is sitting on you. Or near you. The feelings of fear and vulnerability are heightened to begin with, and they are only worsened once you realize you can't physically move anything.

4.7.2006 __friday____

I fell asleep on books last night. Four. With my glasses still on. I had a dream that I woke up and fixed the books I fell asleep on and took off my glasses. I fixed my journals too because they were all crooked. I looked at the clock and it was 7:06 and I thought it said 666 (it would, if the clock went past 60 minutes). So I looked outside my window and saw a sunset, but it was really a sunrise. I felt something watching me from my floor, and I heard some kind of crackling noise, but I refused to look down and instead wrapped myself in my blankets and went back to sleep. Except I never really woke up in the first place. I thought I was awake.. But I wasn't scared. I was just like, "Oh, okay.." Then I *really* woke up at 7:30-something -- Anjel would be leaving for school soon. I still had my glasses on, and the books were still on my bed. My journals were still leaning on each other. But all I did was take off my glasses and go back to sleep. I woke up again to see the clock's numbers flicker to 9:11. It's cloudy outside.

I don't really know what to call this phenomenon.

It's not sleep paralysis, because I was completely asleep. I was dreaming.
It's not a lucid dream, because I wasn't aware that I was dreaming. I thought I was awake.
What is it? I have a feeling I know what it's called, but I can't think of it right now. It's like a combination of both.

I get it all the time. Very frequently when I'm exhausted.

When I'm stressed and overly tired, I sometimes get all three in sequence.
Sleep paralysis is the worst, though, because it tires me out even more. When I finally get out of it, I can feel how much effort I put into concentrating on moving my body, even if it's just my arm.

I like the fact that I make notes of little things like the time.
People often say that if you want to test yourself in a dream or reach a level of lucidity, you should look at your hands or look at a clock. If you notice the time is wrong or it doesn't make sense, and if you can hold on to your thought, you can become lucid.
For me, it is the opposite most of the time. Once I notice something is off, I can't hold on to the dream anymore, and I wake up. That's my biggest problem with lucid dreaming; it always has been.

Although, I do notice little things like how 7:06 is the same as 6:66... The time of the demon (unless, of course, it's your Kairos time...)

When I look out my window, I can see neither the sunset nor the sunrise. From my bed, looking out my window, I don't face those directions; it's more south or southwest. But when I dreamt of seeing the sun outside, it seemed normal enough.
But remembering the dream now, the shadows weren't consistent with the sun. They were in their normal places, as if the sun was in the right place (or, rather, as if the house was oriented correctly).

And the sun didn't produce any glare... It was just... in the sky.

That's pretty creepy.

Meanwhile, there was that thing sitting on the floor. It's always there when I have sleep paralysis or some crazy dream like that, where I think I'm awake.
Some shadow prowls my floor at night, darker than the shadows already ruling the rest of my room. It makes a crackling noise, like a dying fire calling for more fuel.

It waits for me to fall asleep with my immobilized arm to hang off of the bed so that it can grab me...because it can't climb up. But I'm waiting for it to learn one night. I expect to feel a weight on my legs, pushing the threads of my blanket against my skin.

I can't do anything. So I will wait.

Xanga Post 20: Part III - Lost and Found

Since I moved back to school, I haven't slept through one night without dreaming something. Even when I stayed up in studio until 7:30 in the morning and came back only to sleep for an hour and a half, I dreamt....

I just haven't been writing them down, which is pretty bad. This is week 3 already that I haven't recorded my dreams. But it's completely my fault. I should have enough time in the morning to write them down, I just........don't.

Hey, look! It's 2006! Yaaaay...

1.20.2006 __wednesday____
Well, my dream the other night kind of scared me. But then there was another part that comforted me. In the first part, to sum it up, I dreamt people were dying. It's not like people were falling down dead left and right, but I dreamt that there were so many deaths during 2006. In one part, I was in Art, when Carp ran out of the room, and ran back in a few minutes later. She said that a Prendie girl died just then. I hope this doesn't mean anything.

Well, in the second part of the dream, I was getting ready to run away. Even though the halls were crowded with people that you could barely walk past them, I felt like everyone was disappearing (the halls were filled with boys and girls alike, as if Prendie and Bonner were merged or something). So I turned around to walk in the opposite direction and leave somewhere. But as I was turning, I saw someone in particular, in the corner of my eye. And I kind of wanted him to stop me. So I turned a little slower, and I saw him follow me. I started walking faster and faster, until I was eventually running. I kept half-turning around just so that I could still see his white shirt some distance behind me. I wanted to test him, to see if he would really want to stop me and keep me from running away. I ended up going in a circle and ending up back where I was in the first place, by the vending machines in the basement floor. ... I stopped and knew he stopped behind me. But when I turned around and saw him, he acted like he wasn't trying to catch up with me. He was determined not to look at me. He looked around like he stopped to look for someone else. But I kept watching him. When we made eye contact, he knew that I knew. So he gave me a big hug. I think I ended the dream by crying because he was the only one who went after me. And I was so grateful.

In my second year of high school, it seemed like there was tragedy after tragedy among the Prendie family. My friend's father passed away, and so did a teacher. I think sometime after I had this dream, there was news of another student who passed away. Or maybe she was in the hospital. I don't really remember, I tried to move on.

January and February were difficult months to get through for everyone. The beginning of 2006 started off on a sad note...

When I dreamt this, I must have felt alone. I never was, but for some reason I walked around the halls of Prendie feeling like I was the only one who was really thinking about the events that were taking place. Of course I wasn't the only one. I certainly wasn't among those who were most affected by it. Those people are stronger than I am, and I admire them for their optimism.

In my dream, the halls of my school were like a maze. I knew where things went, yet there was a part of me that was worried I would get lost somewhere. Not that I knew where I was going off to. But I had a sense that anything was possible. The best or the worst.

Both happened, whether it be coincidence or insightful.

I was alone.

But someone found me. I actually woke up feeling like I kept him with me; like I woke up with company.

Xanga Post 20: Part II - Can You Tell?

12.28.2005 __wednesday____

In last night's dream, I kept switching from St. Clement's to Prendie. I was in my Prendie uniform, and I was in high school. But I was in St. Clement's schoolyard. I was leaving school and walked around the building and ended up on a corner of Prendie. And I had a bike with me, and I knew it was a Bonner bike, but it was black. So I parked it by a tree and went around to the side entrance of Prendie that everyone goes through in the morning.. And I was looking for Kara, but there were so many people there. And there was a boy who goes to Bonner, who always steals Kara's hat. And I thought I saw him, but when he turned around, it was just another stranger. So I went back and ended up again in St. Clement's schoolyard. And people were supposed to be here, but it was completely empty except for some teachers who were playing with students, an old man on the "8th grade steps", and a truck in the middle of the schoolyard, with another man behind the wheel. I sat on the steps and stared at the gates, until everything got quiet. And then I heard singing (I could almost remember the tune when I woke up, but I forgot it). A girl in a Prendie uniform (not the ones we wear) came next to me and sat down, and I asked her if she heard it. So she said yes and sang it. And she told me it was coming from Narnia. Haha.
Then I got up from the steps and was in front of Prendie's auditorium again. I walked home, but then hours later I remembered I left my bike by the tree. So I got my shoes on, but I couldn't tie my shoelaces. It was already getting dark outside, and I didn't want to go get it, but I had to. As I walked out of the door, I heard Evie say, "I wonder how long it's going to take her to get her bike back."

Nearing the end of my summer vacation this year, I decided to go driving around my neighborhood with my little sister after picking her up from a party. It was dusk when we got to my old house and talked with old friends, people I haven't seen in over 5 years. It was high time we caught up with each other in person rather than on Facebook.

After that, we drove to our grade school and walked around the parking lot. We tried to go inside the now-Baptist church, but couldn't get in.

I looked around me and saw the school yard where we used to play.

I went to that school for 9 years....
It's no surprise that I can subconsciously recreate every little detail in my dreams, down to the sunken feeling of steps where they were worn from so much use.
Standing in the parking lot that night, I felt the same way I feel in my grade-school-setting dreams: vulnerable, nostalgic, familiar yet foreign.... It was a bit surreal to be standing there.
Actually, the whole experience of setting foot on such places was refreshing and almost too much for me. Whenever I go around my old neighborhood, I pretty much just drive around to enjoy seeing things I grew up with. I never got out of the car to walk around since I left; that was the first time since 2004.

But anyway. About this dream.

In December of 2005, I was a Sophomore. Just from reading this Xanga post, I can tell that I was still going through a transition from one place to another. It was as if I was trying to decide which one I belonged to then. In the end, I seem to have felt resigned.

"I go to Prendie now...."

At the same time, I think I came to a subtle realization that I can belong to both.
And now at college, I can add yet another school to the list.

I read somewhere, before, that if you dream of the school you attended as a child, it means that some problem from your past is overshadowing the present.
Maybe if you had bad experiences at school and associate one with the other, sure.
But what if you loved your school as I did?
Or what if your grade school closed and you graduated as the last class with the heavy reminder that you can never go back, even to visit? That could be the whole reason I've never stopped dreaming of roaming the halls. I can't go back in real life, so I'll just live in my memories and build new ones.

I do miss it. The real thing.

Xanga Post 20: Part I - Familiar Creation

12.28.2005 __wednesday____

I had a freaky dream about a Halloween parade, a few nights ago. I must've told everyone about it, but here it is again. I was thinking the day before, that there's a Christmas parade, and a Thanksgiving parade, but there's nothing for Halloween - but that's probably a good thing. So I fell asleep and had a dream about a bunch of kids who were dressed like zombies and ghosts - and they weren't just like trick-or-treat costumes, they were really good costumes.. they looked real, and the kids played their parts well, so they scared me. And instead of a parade, they went from house to house like they were carolling, except they were whispering rhymes about death or something. And I watched from my bedroom window and saw a little girl demon look up at me and smile. (I always dream about little kids smiling like devils - I think I make that up in my head) So I backed away from the window, but she moved back, too, so that she could still see me. Then they got on a train and moved on to the next destination. I got on the next train, although I didn't want to. And I ended up going in a tunnel that I always pass through in dreams when I travel. And then there was the same highway, with the bridge going in a spiral up and up. But I was still in a train.

I think this dream shows how much I scare myself. Halloween is fun and all, but I'll stay away from scary movies and "haunted house" tours most of the time. I don't want any more ideas in my head.

When I'm in a car or on a train in a dream, I always end up going through a tunnel at some point. Actually, just a week ago, my dream began when I emerged from a tunnel through a mountain, and ahead of me were bridges, overpasses, highways crossing over each other, all sensibly structured -- or at least they appeared to be. Traffic was going every which way, and I was moving at almost 80 mph in a narrow, 3-lane highway. And then the car crash happened....

Familiarity is a common feeling I get when I'm asleep. It's even more prominent when I wake up.
"I know this smile," or "I know this place."
In retrospect, that's probably what led me to believe that all my dreams are a story unfolding throughout my life. The basic idea of themes weaving in and out of separate night images stirs my imagination and makes me want to learn more. It's strange to think about, because these themes are only coming and going because of my curiosity. I am writing my own dreams without really meaning to or wanting to. I just want to be an observer, although I can't help but create what I observe.
That's really where the feeling of knowing comes from.
"I know this place" -- but only because I just made it up.
"I know what's going to happen" -- but that's really just my mind barely catching up with the creative process.

When I saw Inception for the first time, I was surprised at how spot-on Christopher Nolan was in integrating all these details of dreams: the interweaving themes and sentences, the concept of no architectural boundaries or rules, the complexities of lucidity and structure....

I'm getting closer and closer to grabbing the tail of my subconscious creativity. Maybe I was always like that, and I just misunderstood it.

I told you before, I used to think The River was a real place.
I also wrote in a previous post that things are only as real as you make them out to be. It just so happened that my senses were so much sharper in those dreams than they usually are in real life.

Xanga Post 19: Listlessness

12.4.2005 __sunday____
In my dream a few days ago, I was walking somewhere, barefoot. And when I looked at the soles of my feet, I saw small worms that were going into my skin, like parasites. These are the same kind of worms that are in the river in my other dream.

Do you ever wake up feeling like you've missed something? Missed something, or forgotten about it?
It's like a backwards deja vu....

All too often, I wake up feeling like I left some part of myself behind. Sometimes, I go through an entire day (or week) feeling listless. Today was one of those days; I've been zoning out a lot.

More about this particular dream, though:
It felt so gross when I dreamt it. I remember seeing my skin being stretched, or folding around the edges where the worms were biting into me. I felt like everywhere I walked, I left a mark of myself being consumed by these parasites.

My brain likes to take metaphors, sayings, or analogies and manifest them into "physical" things.

Xanga Post 18: Analysis, Take One

11.14.2005 __monday____

i dreamt that mom and i were walking along a street during a windy (but warm) day. the sky was gray - it looked like a storm was approaching. we held a conversation, something about picking up anjel.. and then mom left me to go inside a building surrounded by tall, trimmed bushes. i walked around the block and moved out of the way as a police car and ambulance drove on the sidewalk to avoid the traffic. when i turned around, i saw mom walking anjel out of the building, so i ran up to hug her. and then i noticed a small girl was running around, but she said nothing to us. instead, she ran inside another building nearby.. that's when i noticed that the roofs of all the buildings around us were missing. and the sky was gray not only because of rain clouds, but more because of the smoke. a helicopter flew close to the ground - and then a man poked his head out of the side and yelled, "There's one down there!" they landed somewhere behind the buildings and bushes and got the small girl. and then another part of my dream started - i was at a shore with my mom and anjel. but this time, matt hales from aqualung was there, too (whaaat... lol i think i fell asleep listening to aqualung that night). the sky was still gray, and there was no tide or current in the water. i took a soap bar and saw that there was a black spider on it. it spoke to me, even though it was partially crushed, and said, "be careful. there's more around that you just don't see." so... i flicked it off the soap bar and began washing myself in the still water.

I don't remember this dream at all. Nothing about it rings a bell.
It's times like this when I love myself for writing them down in the first place, haha.

Okay. Well, first of all, buildings and landscape architecture -- there is a certain type of architecture I can imagine myself dreaming, because it's featured every now and then.
Topiary gardens and white buildings go hand in hand, for me. What does it mean?

I dunno, let's think something up and see if it makes sense.

My friend gave me an awesome birthday present when I was in high school: a dream encyclopedia. While I prefer to analyze my own dreams without the use of a book, sometimes I like to look up key words to give me ideas of what things might (or might not) mean. This book, 20,000 Dreams, written by Mary Summer Rain (of course she put together a dream encyclopedia), is the best encyclopedia I've ever seen. It's broken up into 30 different categories, including Botanicals; Jobs & Professions; Buildings & Architecture; Popular Dream Characters..... and every category is broken up into sub-categories, like Herbs; Aviation; Windows; Egyptian Mythology.....It has SO many key words, from "aardvark" to "zymometer." .... Nikola Tesla is in here. Who does that?

Mary Summer Rain does, that's who.
You know who's not in this book? THOMAS EDISON.

.....Tesla is in the Popular Dream Characters section (is he that popular?), under the subcategory of Historical Personages & Characters.
Rain writes, "Tesla (Nikola) is a representation of a comprehension of a few elements comprising true reality" (pg. 366). Hmm. Not as straight-forward/typical as a lot of other characters or key words in general, but all right. Reading that description, I automatically think that this sort of thing would take place:

Me: Omg I'm dreaming? This isn't real! *lucid*
*Nikola Tesla walks by*
Me: Yusss....

Moving on...
She says that to dream of a topiary garden "warns against attempting to personally shape one's reality" (43). I assume that if I told her my dreams, Spring Downpour -- I mean, Summer Rain -- would tell me that I shouldn't lose sight of other possibilities in my life. Or something along those lines.

Maybe that's what it means.
Or maybe it means that I'm reading too much into my dreams and that if I keep this up, I will eventually lose myself and try to bring my dreams into reality. How's that for being deep?

That having been said, I'm going to go right ahead and keep reading into this particular dream........and the rest of the 3,000 I've ever written down....

*cough* Yes? What? ...what happened...?

The more general term, "garden," is described as constituting "spiritual blessings and talents. What condition was the dream garden in?" (43)
That's another thing I like about this book. Rain encourages the dreamer to think for herself. In the very beginning of the book, she explains to the reader how to best analyze dreams, enforcing what I've always thought to be true: you are your best bet at figuring out what your dream means, simply because it's personal. Analysis takes one.

What do the gardens look like in my dreams? Like they do in real life - not perfect when you look closely, but still beautiful. I do like to think that accurately describes my blessings and talents, but I'll leave that up to you to decide.

And the building...?
It's usually white. I think you can figure out what white represents.
In terms of style of architecture, it's closest to Art Deco, with some sort of Classical influence. Just think of something very geometric and simple overall, but with columns and other, smaller motifs that shape the building in a subtle manner.

"Art Deco symbolizes a nonconformist or nonconforming attitude, idea, or behavior" (308).
Honestly, I wouldn't go so far as to say I am a nonconformist in anything. I think I was just.......designing in my sleep.
Surprisingly, nothing about Roman/Greek/Classical architecture is to be found in here. But that kind of style is ancient, which might say something about me or what I think of myself. Then again, it is also common for anyone to think about that type of design when architecture comes up as a subject, so perhaps it has no meaning.

I was curious, so I did a bit of research on the author. I'm sure you want to know too, right? :p
Mary Summer Rain apparently wrote a bunch of books about what she learned from a blind Chippewa woman named No-Eyes..................of course her name is Summer Rain.
What happened was this:

Mary was trying to get her first book published, but kept failing. Her family was planning on moving, and they were trying to decide where to go. One night, she had a dream that she went to Colorado because she had "important work to do there." Oooh. So what happened? She and her family moved to Colorado.
What was that about not trying to shape one's reality?
Anyway. She allegedly went driving around when she was rejected once again for being published, parked in the middle of nowhere, and went wandering in the woods until she sat down on a comfy rock. And then she met No-Eyes.

x]

Well, despite all of that (all. of that), I still enjoy this encyclopedia.

I leave you with this reminder from her:
"Dreams are not random images; one can gain insights into the issues in one's life through dream symbols."

Xanga Post 17: On Auditory Hallucinations

11.7.2005 __monday_____

i had that thing that i always get - when i'm falling asleep, i can hear voices. i'm going crazy! but really. i think i make up different voices in my head or something. but it's scary, because i don't even expect them to come to me, i just hear them and they surprise me. one time, i was falling asleep, and then i kept hearing a man's voice telling me to go downstairs to open the door. it told me to check that it was locked, because it thought the door was open. so i was kind of scared that it was unlocked. and i went downstairs to make sure it was locked. that was around 11 p.m. what is wrong with me??? last night i heard an old man's voice saying something about.. carrots? i think i fell asleep laughing. so. yeah. for future reference.. if anyone ever sleeps over and you hear me laughing, and you pretty much know i'm not asleep yet, i'm hearing things. it doesn't mean i can't hear anyone else, though. it's just that i know it's in my head.

I don't know when this started, but obviously I was less than 15 years old.
At first, it was freaky and I thought it was a ghost for a while. Then, I was kind of amused at myself (carrots?). By now, I'm used to it.

There are a number of things I hear at night that wake me up to certain degrees. Sometimes I can keep my eyes closed, stay still, and continue to listen (I tried to carry the conversation further, but then I was so conscious of the fact that it was in my head that I just actively made up the rest of it). There are louder voices that cause me to stare wide-eyed at the ceiling when they come to me suddenly. After a few seconds of lying rigid in my bed, I allow myself to relax and shift positions, hoping to shake myself out of that state.

And then there are the things I hear that make me sit up in bed, gasping for air. Screams, threats whispered in my ear, or some incoherent yelling. One night, I swear I heard someone ringing a bell at the foot of the stairs. More recently, I heard knocking on my door. Both times, I stat up in bed a little freaked out, pressing my fingers to my ears again and again. When the noise subsided and I gathered enough courage to open my door, I flew down the stairs and asked mom if she was the one doing it, or if anyone else was.
Of course no one did it, it was just in my head.

The ones that make me sit up in bed are the most convincing. Usually, I can tell that what I'm hearing isn't resounding in the room....but that's really my only way of discerning auditory hallucinations. Otherwise, I have to actually ask someone if they heard it, too (e.g., "Do you hear that music...?" "Yes, someone's playing it outside.").
And, yes, I do sometimes hear unfamiliar music in my head.

Last night as I was falling asleep, this man's voice gradually grew loud enough for me to hear clearly. It started out the way these voices normally begin: with my name.

Stephanie...?
It sounded like it came from a walkie-talkie next to my ear; I know I heard a young man's voice being somewhat muffled and distorted with cracks in the sound. I stayed still.
Stephanie......*crack*.........I can't [inaudible]..............
What....? I rolled onto my back and thought it was over because I moved, but then--
--4:55, look. Just listen. . ..........*crack*.................Can't tell, but Stephanie -- can you hear me?
I opened my eyes and lay silently. I didn't say anything, but breathed deeply and shook my head hard. It was time for me to go to sleep. Just ignore it.
LISTEN.

It was so loud, but so far away. Stop it! But again,
It's almost time. [inaudible] 4:55................ When you're in the field, then [inaudible] the house......and.........
I promptly sat up in bed and started fixing my blanket. Anything to hear real noises. But it went on for maybe 20 minutes, the young man repeating his message that I couldn't make out. He sounded frantic.
Stephanie...?

When I finally fell asleep, I woke up into a dream.
I was standing in the middle of a field.

But that's all I remember.

Things I hear at night are most distressing when they sound convincing, are persistent, and send me messages (like the other voice in 2005 that told me to check the door to make sure it's locked) ----

because I am afraid that I will always heed those messages and try to carry out the tasks for curiosity's sake....

Xanga Post 16: Part II - The Looks of Evil

I don't know who's actually reading what I post (other than the few who have told me), and I haven't been getting comments lately. So while I have visitors, perhaps it's "too long" and no one really wants to read it.

Because people prefer things like Tumblr....

I don't really know how to condense what I want to say, though.

I already did Part I, so I took out the first part of the original Xanga entry.

9.4.2005 __sunday____

last night's dream was different. i had two, actually. in the first one, all my 8th grade friends and classmates were there. we were having a party. a dance, a ball. we had to dress formally; the girls wore gowns and the guys wore suits - tuxedos, if they wanted. they were all waltzing and dancing (very well choreographed, might i add.. lol). i saw my friends with their boyfriends and girlfriends before they broke up, having a great time. i was on the side watching them, watching people arriving and meeting and greeting each other. i saw someone on my left looking my way, but i thought he was looking for someone past me. so i got up and started to leave - until he took my hand and turned me around to say hi. it was .... i didn't see him for so long. he was one of the few who chose to come in a tuxedo. he extended his hand for a handshake, but i hugged him instead. :) so he patted my head and hugged me back. lol
i told him to wait because i had to take care of something upstairs (the party was in what was my house in the dream. the room was wide and it was dark, so it reminded me of the castle in the previous dream), so i left him there. i had to fix things in my room, check my cell phone for messages from people trying to find their way to the party.. and i could hear his thoughts, "i want to dance with her." so i hurried to organize things. but when i went back downstairs, i couldn't find him anywhere. he left.
and then i saw my other friend, ..... he talked to me for a while, and i thought we were going to dance. but then someone else called me and i asked him to wait there for me. i was engaged in another conversation, and when i returned, he was dancing with someone.
when i was so sure i would be bored to death at this party, someone came up to me and sat down beside me. he started to talk to me and make me laugh, and then he asked me to dance with him. i said yes, but at the same time someone bumped into me and spilled her drink on a small part of my gown. so i looked at him and he said he'd wait for me while i went to clean it. it took such a long time to get it out, i was so sure he'd left to dance with someone else, but when i came back he was still standing in the same spot i'd left him.


but i don't know what he looked like. :-\ (you can start laughing now)


eh.. this entry's become longer than i expected. that second dream doesn't really matter, i guess. it's just all deja vu of another dream. and me feeling like i'm in trouble because i'm trapped in a prison cell with two other people and the doorknob has a keyhole (don't know why) and i have a key when i'm not supposed to and the guard knows i have it when he looks inside sees me try to put it in my pocket, so he smiles dangerously at me as if he'll kill me if i come out. it was scary because when i opened it for the first time, there was nobody there. but when i tried to close the door and was about to put the key into the keyhole, i couldn't get it in there. i wasn't quick enough! and then i heard footsteps coming my way so i jammed it in there but then the guard was starting to open the door and it was opening!! so i had to push it with my feet and lock it with my right hand... and then he knew i had his key.. so he'd be waiting out there.. another scary part was when we were all still inside the cell and we were watching the guard watching us. watching me.. as i tried to move slowly and slip the key inside my pocket.. but he saw what i was doing and he stared at me wide-eyed and smiled... *shudder* scary smile..

I remember thinking about that first dream a lot, after it happened....It amazes me how I can think about this one and still feel like I can relate to it. The face of the first boy is still fresh in my mind. I know him in real life....The second boy? I might know who it is, I don't remember now. But as always, "third time's a charm." If it was a movie, you'd be able to tell it was the right guy because he offered to wait before I even asked him to. And he didn't just say he'd wait; I remember hearing, "I'll wait for you." Those words registered as being meaningful and sincere. And in a movie, of course that would have a double meaning, haha.

It was one of those dreams that left me waking up thinking, "I don't want to be alone." Now that I'm older and I actually know what I want, it seems kind of silly that I was thinking about the right person for me....at the age of 15.

(One year later, I believe I found the guy without looking for him.)

And in the second dream--

You can always tell when I'm tired, because when I write, nothing makes sense. Everything is either a run-on sentence or a fragment, and then nothing makes sense.....as if dreams aren't already confusing as it is. This second dream is just.... . . . . ... . .. .. whaaaa....

I both love and hate having deja vu of dreams. Sometimes, I think they really happened. But it's great when I remember they're dreams -- I get all excited.

But it's so frustrating when it just slips my mind, because there's an 80% chance I won't get it back until something triggers the memory of it years later.

I wonder what it would be like to be in a real prison cell. Having no experience with that kind of situation, I wouldn't know anything about it. If I could make this dream (or any other dream) take place in real life, I wonder how accurately I would measure my imagination to be. Ceiling heights, lengths and widths of the room, thickness of the door.....all that.

I talked about that signature smile before.

The one that gives me goosebumps when I see it (and I've only ever seen it in dreams -- I feel like it's not possible to look that demonic in real life).

Really, it is a demonic smile. It's full of polished teeth concealing some dark abyss I'm not familiar with. Whenever I dream of someone smiling like that, I think, "That thing is not me."

It is me, it's just not what I think of myself.

Some people would say that if evil had a physical form, it would be a huge, black dog with rabies or something. Or maybe a black cat that hisses....or a snake....or whatever.

That smile is the manifestation of evil in my imagination. If evil had a face, it would smile correctly and contemptuously. It would be perfect to the point where the gesture looks alien to the rest of the person's face, as if it's some parasite clinging to the roof of your mouth.

It would almost pass as a genuinely pure smile if not for closer inspection, making it blend so easily with the rest of the world.

I guess I got that mentality from observing all the fake smiles that people put on, or seeing how people act nicely one moment, and then they go and contradict it.

We all have a little bit of evil in us.

What does it look like to you?