Thursday, September 30, 2010

Xanga Post 21: Time of the Demon

This painting creates a pretty accurate depiction of what sleep paralysis is like, for those who have never experienced it. It literally feels like a demon is sitting on you. Or near you. The feelings of fear and vulnerability are heightened to begin with, and they are only worsened once you realize you can't physically move anything.

4.7.2006 __friday____

I fell asleep on books last night. Four. With my glasses still on. I had a dream that I woke up and fixed the books I fell asleep on and took off my glasses. I fixed my journals too because they were all crooked. I looked at the clock and it was 7:06 and I thought it said 666 (it would, if the clock went past 60 minutes). So I looked outside my window and saw a sunset, but it was really a sunrise. I felt something watching me from my floor, and I heard some kind of crackling noise, but I refused to look down and instead wrapped myself in my blankets and went back to sleep. Except I never really woke up in the first place. I thought I was awake.. But I wasn't scared. I was just like, "Oh, okay.." Then I *really* woke up at 7:30-something -- Anjel would be leaving for school soon. I still had my glasses on, and the books were still on my bed. My journals were still leaning on each other. But all I did was take off my glasses and go back to sleep. I woke up again to see the clock's numbers flicker to 9:11. It's cloudy outside.

I don't really know what to call this phenomenon.

It's not sleep paralysis, because I was completely asleep. I was dreaming.
It's not a lucid dream, because I wasn't aware that I was dreaming. I thought I was awake.
What is it? I have a feeling I know what it's called, but I can't think of it right now. It's like a combination of both.

I get it all the time. Very frequently when I'm exhausted.

When I'm stressed and overly tired, I sometimes get all three in sequence.
Sleep paralysis is the worst, though, because it tires me out even more. When I finally get out of it, I can feel how much effort I put into concentrating on moving my body, even if it's just my arm.

I like the fact that I make notes of little things like the time.
People often say that if you want to test yourself in a dream or reach a level of lucidity, you should look at your hands or look at a clock. If you notice the time is wrong or it doesn't make sense, and if you can hold on to your thought, you can become lucid.
For me, it is the opposite most of the time. Once I notice something is off, I can't hold on to the dream anymore, and I wake up. That's my biggest problem with lucid dreaming; it always has been.

Although, I do notice little things like how 7:06 is the same as 6:66... The time of the demon (unless, of course, it's your Kairos time...)

When I look out my window, I can see neither the sunset nor the sunrise. From my bed, looking out my window, I don't face those directions; it's more south or southwest. But when I dreamt of seeing the sun outside, it seemed normal enough.
But remembering the dream now, the shadows weren't consistent with the sun. They were in their normal places, as if the sun was in the right place (or, rather, as if the house was oriented correctly).

And the sun didn't produce any glare... It was just... in the sky.

That's pretty creepy.

Meanwhile, there was that thing sitting on the floor. It's always there when I have sleep paralysis or some crazy dream like that, where I think I'm awake.
Some shadow prowls my floor at night, darker than the shadows already ruling the rest of my room. It makes a crackling noise, like a dying fire calling for more fuel.

It waits for me to fall asleep with my immobilized arm to hang off of the bed so that it can grab me...because it can't climb up. But I'm waiting for it to learn one night. I expect to feel a weight on my legs, pushing the threads of my blanket against my skin.

I can't do anything. So I will wait.

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