Thursday, June 16, 2011

Just like in the morning.

The other night -- and I mean the night before last night -- I found myslef trapped. Sleep paralysis, you've done it again!

But I think I've finally figured it out.

All I have to do is open my eyes to trigger it. Sounds kind of funny, right?
Well, the moment I open my eyes and realize I'm paralyzed,

I feel like I'm gonna die.

My body is surrounded by that pins-and-needles feeling, and I can't do much else other than freak out in my head.
I was suddenly aware that I was stuck, but I know this feeling all too well. I also know how to get out of it without using too much energy, but I wanted to know how quickly I can do it. So I scrunched up my whole body, fighting what I could only imagine looked like convulsions, until I successfully moved. Only, it was just my head that I was able to turn towards my pillow. It was enough to wake myself up, but I was left with my heart racing and temperature rising. This doesn't happen to me much, but when I have sleep paralysis, I end up with that feverish feeling. It's not fun.

The next morning, I did some research about SP to learn about other ways to snap out of it. I came across an interesting article in which the author explained that "out-of-body experiences" could be brought about by using SP to your advantage. Most of the essay dealt with how to get yourself into the sleep paralysis state (at which point, I thought to myself, Who in their right mind would want to put themselves in that position? But then I looked at myself. Guilty.) Fortunately -- in this case, anyway -- I already know how trigger it.

So I read on.
...Focus on your awareness on your face and concentrate on breathing slowly
and easy. Don't be alarmed if you feel vibrations or a rapid heart beat, this is
normal. If you let this scare you, you'll blow it, so it's important that you
don't let this freak you out. After the vibrations and sounds disappear, you'll
be able to get right up out of your body just like you would get up out of bed
in the morning.

1. If I don't feel the vibrations anymore, I must be awake. I've done that before.
2. If I'm lying still in bed and then suddenly move, I'll trigger sleep paralysis all over again. How can I sit up in bed when I know I can't even move a finger?

So I let it go and forgot about it, until last night when I tried to reach for the cord of my earbuds wrapped around my arm. I couldn't move.
Fine, then. Let's try it.

I opened my eyes and immediately heard in my ear all the buzzing that my nerves were creating. So noisy....
It's okay, you're fine, you're just temporarily paralyzed. Don't freak out, just stay awake. Stay awake. Don't lose it, stay.

I knew my door was locked, but I felt someone's gaze focused on my back.
Nobody is there. Your door is locked. Just stay calm, you're fine. STAY AWAKE.
And sure enough, the buzzing subsided and my body felt fine. Whoever was watching me decided to leave me alone.

And I sat up in bed.

I felt dizzy and light-headed, kind of groggy in a strange way. But nothing too unusual. Just still in that dream-like phase because I just got up.
I walked to my door and unlocked it, not looking back at my bed. If there's anything I know, it's not to look at myself while I'm asleep. If you're not trained to withstand the shock of seeing yourself, then you'll lose lucidity and wake up. And I didn't want to lose the undeniable control that I had.
Not that I thought I was still asleep. I was so sure that I was awake. I just didn't want to face the facts yet. Because there's no such thing as an "out-of-body-experience," that's just silly.

So I unlocked my door and stepped out into the hallway barely lit by the night sky. I still felt strange, so I decided to test myself even more and wake myself up by walking downstairs. From the third floor to the second floor, and from the second floor to the.... third floor to the second floor, and from the second floor to the.... third floor to the second floor, and from the second floor to the.... living room of my old house.

Okay, so there's a glitch or something. I figured my brain was just being super slow in processing things. I'm all the way downstairs in my house.
Then I noticed that the stairs were different, the last time I went down them. Different, but I still knew them. It wasn't until I reached the bottom of the staircase that I realized where I was. And even then, it took a while because
the furniture was different
the set-up wasn't the same
the lights were off
where's the piano?
where's the entertainment center?
I felt the carpet beneath my feet when it struck me:
I'm in my old house. But it looks as if someone else is living here.

I finally blinked and found myself in bed again. I shocked myself awake. I looked around. I felt the cord still wrapped around my arm, my blanket still draped over my shoulders, and my door was still closed. Still locked. I didn't so much as shift, let alone sit up in bed and wander around.
So I was asleep the whole time.
Come on. There's no such thing as an out-of-body experience. At least, none that you can induce yourself. Right?

I had sleep paralysis two more times after that. And two more times, I held onto my awareness and simulated lucid dreams. Both of them were ended when I gave myself a bit of a surprise at seeing my hand or "feeling" a sort of trigger.
In the second one, I brought back Alex. I'm not sure if we had a real conversation or if it was just based on thoughts we exchanged without forming words. But he told me that he left because he had nothing else he could do. He'd done all that he could.
In the third one, I just wanted to be somewhere I felt a familiarity. I ended up riding my bike in the school yard of SCIS.

In my first attempt to achieve this so-called out-of-body experience, I actually sat up in bed without waking up. Was that real, or did I just dream it up, like the other two dreams?
Was I just influenced by reading the article? Maybe I thought I was in control when, "in reality," I wasn't.

I want to know if there's a difference. I want to know what I'm capable of doing.

So I'm going to experiment further.