Tuesday, December 29, 2009

time to play catch-up

It is now just barely the 29th of December. I haven't written in here for 9 days?
I'm on vacation right now, so I have limited time on the computer. But I am leaving tomorrow afternoon and will hopefully be able to write more extensively in the next day or two.

For now, here's (literally) a couple of dreams for me to write about (even though I know I'm capable of chronologically logging several dreams in my head before writing them down):

1. engagment ring and circus (trapeze)
2. hallway -- architecture conveys inseparableness of a certain community (guardian)

I've had other dreams between the 20th and now,

but these two are the important ones.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

separate affairs

I have two nights' dreams to cover.

The first one came to me on Friday morning, after I woke up around 6:30 and fell back asleep.
I dreamt of two little kids, a brother and sister, both no older than 12. I saw flashes of them playing in a mostly-empty house, and learned their story.

They used to go to a boarding school, but something happened. I don't know what. I was under the impression that it had something to do with their parents having gone missing, but later on I saw they were still around.

I saw the girl running around an empty hallway with dusty hardwood floors, wrapped in a worn, knitted blanket. It was somewhere between blue and gray, and reminded me a little of the garment that the privileged 8th grader would wear during the May Procession as "Mary," in SCIS.
The little girl was covered from top to bottom in this blanket. Underneath, she wore her pajamas, but was otherwise barefoot. The house was cold, but she and her brother were running around so much that it was all right. She ran around a wall to go into the living room, which was also empty, save for the fireplace and a small, square table beside it.
Her little brother was chasing her around the house, also barefoot. He would occasionally step on her train to tease her, and they would both laugh before she'd pull it back from under him and run away again.

There was a man involved. He was watching the children in secret when they were still in school, but then it was discovered that they were in danger. So they were taken out of school and went into hiding -- in this cold, empty house.

I saw the brother and sister again, sitting curled up in front of the empty fireplace, with the blanket draped over their shoulders. They pretended there was a fire there.
Then my view changed -- I turned around and saw a window with its mesh screen broken. The bottom corner wasn't in place, and I could feel cold air flooding in. Beyond the screen, I could see the silhouette of a man.

The children's parents were away and somehow couldn't make their way back to them. So they told them to stay out of sight, stay hidden, and to wait for their return. The parents did come back, and they brought some relatives with them. The kids were going to perform their own little production that they creatively put together while they were left alone for days.

Folding chairs were set up around the room along the walls. The rooms were still mostly unfurnished, but now there was a small TV, a radio with a long antenna, and a microphone hooked up to it somehow. A song started playing, and the girl talked over it -- there was a lot of distortion caused by the quality of the microphone and the radio, so it was hard to understand what was being said. Then the kids started acting -- they danced and ran around the room, while their relatives (all rich) sat in their chairs and smiled lovingly.

The kids pranced by the broken window -- and there was the silhouette of the man again, still in the same position as I'd seen last time.
But then he stepped forward, and I saw what his face looked like:
He had pale skin, but jet black hair -- the kind of hair that's stringy/almost-clumpy, and looks like it's wet all the time. It fell over his ears and just touched his shoulders.
His eyes were just as dark as his hair.
He had a tattoo on his face: a wide hatching, creating a net.
He stepped forward again and placed his fingers on the edge of the window. He shifted his weight, and there was a drastic change: his tattoo lined up perfectly with the screen of the window.
He looked like he didn't have any marks on his face, and I got a quick flash of his past.

He smiled a lot, and his face was clear and unblemished.
He'd never done anything seriously wrong in his life.
And he was in love with a girl.

The next thing I saw was his hand prying at the screen.
The last thing I heard was the ripping sound it made, followed by the yells and screams of all the gathered adults, and the tapping of the children's feet as they fled with their parents.


Last night's dream wasn't at all related to that.

I dreamt I was cheating on Matthew.
And I saw who I was with. It was very clear.

I was in a friend's room, and we were just hanging out, spending time together while his roommate was gone. The next thing I remember, I'm lying down on his bed and he's leaning on his elbow next to me, and ... things happened.

This was about to get unforgivably out of hand (it already was, in my mind. Which is why I did what I did next).
So he did.
"I can't do this. What am I doing.."
No response, but he got up quietly and fixed his clothes.
"I'm sorry. But I can't do this -- it's wrong."
"Uh-huh," he said a little too quickly.
He sounded upset. So I asked him why he was upset with me for doing what we both knew was right: stopping.
He turned to look at me from the far edge of his bed and said, "This always happens. It always. happens."
When I said nothing, he continued to talk about how I'm always the one who goes to him, the one who starts these things and lets them go as far as they do. And then I'm always the one to stop him when he gives in.

I didn't know what to say, because I knew it was true.

I woke up feeling guilty and dirty. I was so mad at myself for dreaming it, and then scared -- you should know I always like to think that my dreams mean something; that they come forward at night after being in the back of my mind during the day.
No, I have not cheated on Matthew.
No, I don't plan to. I don't want to.
But I don't like the fact that this dream even happened.

Hopefully, it won't happen again.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Recurring Mall

A few nights ago, I dreamt of a building. More specifically, a mall. I've been here before. It reminds me of Union Station because of the separation of spaces -- there's the bigger lobby that you enter from the street, with some shops and restaurants, and then you walk past the arcade into the main area: more stores, the food court, the train station -- and it's all very open, while still enclosed.

Well, that's what Union Station is like.

This mall that I dream of...the stores recede into the walls and blend in with the architecture. Their entrances are arches in the arcade. Some of the other arches are doorways leading to another area: a wide courtyard, with potted plants and a marble floor with a thin layer of still water creating reflections. There is a grand staircase leading upstairs -- I don't necessarily mean a grand staircase that you would immediately imagine. I just mean.....this staircase is definitely grand.
I don't really know where it leads, yet. I just know I've begun walking up its steps, but I turned around at one point to see if my company was still following me. They weren't. I stood where I was, in a gown (also not the first time I've dreamt I was in this outfit).
The first time I dreamt of this place was a few years ago. I was running around with a bunch of my friends, past an arrangement of steel park benches, towards a big fountain.
Another time I saw this place was maybe a year ago. I was standing at one end of the long hall, looking at the arcade. About 100 ft away to my left was the staircase (is that right? How far is 100 ft, exactly? I need to learn how to accurately gauge distance....but I feel like 100 is about right) Directly in front of me was a big arch, probaby 8 ft wide --past that, I could see the courtyard.

In my most recent dream, I was able to focus more on the effect of the light streaming through the ceiling, which is made entirely of glass panels. The afternoon was fading, and it felt like early September.
You know about the golden hour, right? It was like that. Every shadow cast around me was so dramatic, and they seemed darker than shadows usually are. I love it when my dreams look like this. Even when I'm asleep, I can feel myself getting excited; my heart starts beating faster and I feel so alive.
That's why it sucks to wake up. I open my eyes and see things I don't want to see. Automatically, I begin creating a to-do list in my head. I don't want to, but I can't help it.

Well, anyway.

I dreamt of a tentative floor plan of the mall for the first time.
It's fading now, because for the past few days I've been focusing on schoolwork for final quizzes and tests.
But from what I do remember, it didn't really make sense. It's like I was seeing the floor plan for another place.
When standing in the building, I can tell that everything is very straight and orthogonal. Like most malls are. Meanwhile, this floor plan showed a very prominent, diagonal space. In my mind, this area (which was colored green on the plan) was either a staircase or some sort of bridge or overpass. The underlying areas, color-coded salmon pink and blue, noted the main hall and the shops. I didn't see the courtyard anywhere.

I'll draw it for you sometime.
I've been meaning to sketch perspectives from the other two dreams, as well. I'll get to that as soon as I can.

But for now, think of this.

And this.

And this.

Friday, December 11, 2009


I guess this should've been the first post of my blog. But I wanted to start right away! Who needs intros? Why do you need to know who I am? You'll find out all about me just by reading my dream posts.

But let's do this the right way, anyway --

Hello, (your name here). I am so glad you found your way here..!

I've said it so many times, but I haven't said it on this blog yet, so here goes:

Simply put, I decided to start this blog because I love to write. I've had a livejournal, a xanga, a myspace... and I wrote on all of them. I now have a facebook, which is treated the same way. Even a twitter.

But I need a place to better organize myself and my thoughts, and to focus on one thing and one thing only (such a redundant phrase...): my dreams.
I intend for this to take the place of my written dream journals that I've kept for years, and to make this available to anyone who wants to read them. I think I'm past the keep-it-secret phase -- I want to share them with you! I want to know what you think of them. I want others' opinions.

That will come with readers. And maybe they (you?) will come with time.

So for now, even if nobody is here yet, someone will be, soon enough. I'll just wait patiently and keep writing. :)

A little about me:

I'm very family-oriented. Just ask my boyfriend.

I laugh at my own jokes in my head, which sometimes confuses people. I'm okay with that.

I have a feeling I come across as a snob to those who just see me in passing, because I walk quickly and usually wear a blank expression, and I tend to avoid eye contact or just handle passing-hellos very awkwardly. But I promise you, I'm probably lost in my own thoughts -- I'm just shy. Once you get to know me, though, I open up and smile a lot.

Unless I'm focused on work. Once I switch gears and enter work mode, the littlest interruption can bother me. ...but that still doesn't mean I don't like you.

I have a hobby of creating music videos in my head while listening to music and looking out the window of a car/bus/train/etc.

I have a game that I like to play with lines in the ground, while I'm walking. It's a little bit more complicated than, "Step on the crack and you'll break your mother's back," but it does have to do with avoiding them. It would take me a good paragraph or two to explain it, though, so I won't.

I also have a math game that I like to play with digital clocks when I get bored. For an entire minute, I use those numbers on the clock to exercise my basic math skills... just to make sure I don't forget them.

It's easy for me to stay silent for hours. I do it all the time.

I've always been fascinated with Ancient Egyptian architecture. Not even just the architecture, but the culture itself. ...I must go there one day.... I used to like to tell myself that I must've been reincarnated after living in that time period, because I was so mesmerized by it. I still am, but no longer do I tell myself I used to be Egyptian.

I once began writing a story in 4th or 5th grade and continued, on and off again, for the next few years, until I had somewhere around 10 or 11 chapters. Then I gave up -- it was pretty lame, I admit. Haha -- but, hey. I was in 4th or 5th grade when I started. Of course it was pretty mediocre.

I scare myself when I get too tired: I begin to hear things that aren't happening, and sometimes see things out of my peripheral vision. A few times, I've actually even felt things that aren't there. I know I have to sleep, then. But then when I do sleep (and especially if I'm stressed), it's almost guaranteed that I will have sleep paralysis or just some seriously-effed-up dreams...

..which make for the greatest stories,

which make this blog worth it!

You will see how detail-oriented I am when it comes to recalling my dreams. Everything means something, in my mind. So it must all be recorded.

Don't be shocked if you see seven paragraphs or more dedicated to simply sharing them with you.

So now that you know a little bit about me, I hope that's held your attention and made you just a bit curious.
I promise I won't disappoint you with my stories.
And you'll see how they tend to tie in with each other over time -- many of my dreams take place in the same settings and continue with a storyline.

So it's as much a journey for me as it is for you in uncovering the details and sewing them all together to create something cohesive.

Care to join in unlocking my mind?

It was just a dream.

Me: So I dreamt a lot of things last night.
Matt: Tell me.
Me: You were in all of them. I think this was the first time you and "Alex" were the same character.
Matt: Aww.

I dreamt I was in a new place. My mind was making it up as I went along: it was like things were going from 2D to 3D. At one point, I was looking down from an aerial view: I saw this desert. It was dark orange. But instead of the ground being flat, it had a lot of high and low points. I could see all this erosion that'd happened, like when you see pictures of tall, skinny rocks with a boulder on top, or something. Or a canyon formed by a river that doesn't exist anymore.... And I could see all these shades and tints of orange and red falling over the surface of the rock as I moved lower to the ground. I looked around me and saw you standing next to me.
When I looked up, I saw that this big boulder was falling from high above. So you pulled me out of the way.
And when I got up from fallng over...
we were in another setting. There was this neighborhood that we were in. It was like the ghetto...sort of. Worn, with faded murals on all these walls and underpasses.
I had some paint with me. It was as if I was the one who painted all those murals. And I was back to fix them.
But I didn't have enough paint. I ran out of pink (I thought it was red-orange until I covered part of the wall with it), so you took me to this dollar store. . . . ...It was the nicest dollar store I'd ever been to, haha. It had real quality stuff...
Including some interesting mugs that felt like they were made out of some filtering paper. They were flexible, too (you thought they were weird).
I went over to see what was on the other side of one stand -- it was right next to a railing that I could lean over to see what was below (more merchandise); in the meantime, you went to go find an employee who could tell you where to find blue paint (but I didn't need blue, I needed red-orange).
So I was by the railing leaning over to see what was on the other side of the stand...and this guy comes over, older than you....
He decides he wants to see what's on the other side of the stand, as well. He comes up behind me, and puts his arm around my waist.
And then I think, "Okay. I'm done here."
I try to leave, but he has a hold on me.
Then you come over and he lets go.

Matt: Damn right.

You took me beside you, and we left while his wife came back from wandering around the store..... And I see him put his arm around her waist the same way he did to me. I felt so violated, so you just held me close while we walked.
We left without getting any paint. I started talking about our son, then. I don't remember what brought it up, or what I said.... But I had something t do. I had to feed him, I think. We had to go back home.
I was talking with some girls who left the store at the same time we did. When I turned to my left to see you, I saw that you were leaning over something.

So I looked around and saw that you were struggling with duct tape....

And something was moving beneath your hands.

Matt: :(

So I pushed your hands away and saw that you put tape over his mouth and nose. And you had a box ready that you were going to seal with more tape. So I took back our baby, took off the tape,

and tried to comfort him.

I felt so paranoid about trusting anyone anymore.
And I started wondering if you were the same Matthew/Alex that I knew, because something was very wrong about that (obviously) -- you didn't seem the same.
You were so different, I was convinced that you were switched with someone else.

And then I woke up.

Matt: Wow.
Me: So what does it mean?
Matt: I have no idea. . . ......It was just a dream.
Me: I've never had a dream where things change so quickly. It was so unexpected. ...I think there was more, but it might be blending with dreams from the past nights.