Saturday, August 21, 2010

Xanga Post 18: Analysis, Take One

11.14.2005 __monday____
i dreamt that mom and i were walking along a street during a windy (but warm) day. the sky was gray - it looked like a storm was approaching. we held a conversation, something about picking up anjel.. and then mom left me to go inside a building surrounded by tall, trimmed bushes. i walked around the block and moved out of the way as a police car and ambulance drove on the sidewalk to avoid the traffic. when i turned around, i saw mom walking anjel out of the building, so i ran up to hug her. and then i noticed a small girl was running around, but she said nothing to us. instead, she ran inside another building nearby.. that's when i noticed that the roofs of all the buildings around us were missing. and the sky was gray not only because of rain clouds, but more because of the smoke. a helicopter flew close to the ground - and then a man poked his head out of the side and yelled, "There's one down there!" they landed somewhere behind the buildings and bushes and got the small girl. and then another part of my dream started - i was at a shore with my mom and anjel. but this time, matt hales from aqualung was there, too (whaaat... lol i think i fell asleep listening to aqualung that night). the sky was still gray, and there was no tide or current in the water. i took a soap bar and saw that there was a black spider on it. it spoke to me, even though it was partially crushed, and said, "be careful. there's more around that you just don't see." so... i flicked it off the soap bar and began washing myself in the still water.

I don't remember this dream at all. Nothing about it rings a bell.
It's times like this when I love myself for writing them down in the first place, haha.

Okay. Well, first of all, buildings and landscape architecture -- there is a certain type of architecture I can imagine myself dreaming, because it's featured every now and then.
Topiary gardens and white buildings go hand in hand, for me. What does it mean?

I dunno, let's think something up and see if it makes sense.

My friend gave me an awesome birthday present when I was in high school: a dream encyclopedia. While I prefer to analyze my own dreams without the use of a book, sometimes I like to look up key words to give me ideas of what things might (or might not) mean. This book, 20,000 Dreams, written by Mary Summer Rain (of course she put together a dream encyclopedia), is the best encyclopedia I've ever seen. It's broken up into 30 different categories, including Botanicals; Jobs & Professions; Buildings & Architecture; Popular Dream Characters..... and every category is broken up into sub-categories, like Herbs; Aviation; Windows; Egyptian Mythology.....It has SO many key words, from "aardvark" to "zymometer." .... Nikola Tesla is in here. Who does that?

Mary Summer Rain does, that's who.
You know who's
not in this book? THOMAS EDISON.

.....Tesla is in the Popular Dream Characters section (is he that popular?), under the subcategory of Historical Personages & Characters.
Rain writes, "Tesla (Nikola) is a representation of a comprehension of a few elements comprising true reality" (pg. 366). Hmm. Not as straight-forward/typical as a lot of other characters or key words in general, but all right. Reading that description, I automatically think that this sort of thing would take place:

Me: Omg I'm dreaming? This isn't real! *lucid*
*Nikola Tesla walks by*
Me: Yusss....

Moving on...
She says that to dream of a topiary garden "warns against attempting to personally shape one's reality" (43). I assume that if I told her my dreams, Spring Downpour -- I mean, Summer Rain -- would tell me that I shouldn't lose sight of other possibilities in my life. Or something along those lines.

Maybe that's what it means.
Or maybe it means that I'm reading too much into my dreams and that if I keep this up, I will eventually lose myself and try to bring my dreams into reality. How's that for being deep?

That having been said, I'm going to go right ahead and keep reading into this particular dream........and the rest of the 3,000 I've ever written down....

*cough* Yes? What? ...what happened...?

The more general term, "garden," is described as constituting "spiritual blessings and talents. What condition was the dream garden in?" (43)
That's another thing I like about this book. Rain encourages the dreamer to think for herself. In the very beginning of the book, she explains to the reader how to best analyze dreams, enforcing what I've always thought to be true: you are your best bet at figuring out what your dream means, simply because it's personal. Analysis takes one.

What do the gardens look like in my dreams? Like they do in real life - not perfect when you look closely, but still beautiful. I do like to think that accurately describes my blessings and talents, but I'll leave that up to you to decide.

And the building...?
It's usually white. I think you can figure out what white represents.
In terms of style of architecture, it's closest to Art Deco, with some sort of Classical influence. Just think of something very geometric and simple overall, but with columns and other, smaller motifs that shape the building in a subtle manner.

"Art Deco symbolizes a nonconformist or nonconforming attitude, idea, or behavior" (308).
Honestly, I wouldn't go so far as to say I am a nonconformist in anything. I think I was just.......designing in my sleep.
Surprisingly, nothing about Roman/Greek/Classical architecture is to be found in here. But that kind of style is ancient, which might say something about me or what I think of myself. Then again, it is also common for anyone to think about that type of design when architecture comes up as a subject, so perhaps it has no meaning.

I was curious, so I did a bit of research on the author. I'm sure you want to know too, right? :p
Mary Summer Rain apparently wrote a bunch of books about what she learned from a blind Chippewa woman named No-Eyes..................of course her name is Summer Rain.
What happened was this:

Mary was trying to get her first book published, but kept failing. Her family was planning on moving, and they were trying to decide where to go. One night, she had a dream that she went to Colorado because she had "important work to do there." Oooh. So what happened? She and her family moved to Colorado.
What was that about not trying to shape one's reality?
Anyway. She allegedly went driving around when she was rejected once again for being published, parked in the middle of nowhere, and went wandering in the woods until she sat down on a comfy rock. And then she met No-Eyes.


Well, despite all of that (all. of that), I still enjoy this encyclopedia.

I leave you with this reminder from her:
"Dreams are not random images; one can gain insights into the issues in one's life through dream symbols."

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Xanga Post 17: On Auditory Hallucinations

11.7.2005 __monday_____

i had that thing that i always get - when i'm falling asleep, i can hear voices. i'm going crazy! but really. i think i make up different voices in my head or something. but it's scary, because i don't even expect them to come to me, i just hear them and they surprise me. one time, i was falling asleep, and then i kept hearing a man's voice telling me to go downstairs to open the door. it told me to check that it was locked, because it thought the door was open. so i was kind of scared that it was unlocked. and i went downstairs to make sure it was locked. that was around 11 p.m. what is wrong with me??? last night i heard an old man's voice saying something about.. carrots? i think i fell asleep laughing. so. yeah. for future reference.. if anyone ever sleeps over and you hear me laughing, and you pretty much know i'm not asleep yet, i'm hearing things. it doesn't mean i can't hear anyone else, though. it's just that i know it's in my head.

I don't know when this started, but obviously I was less than 15 years old.
At first, it was freaky and I thought it was a ghost for a while. Then, I was kind of amused at myself (carrots?). By now, I'm used to it.

There are a number of things I hear at night that wake me up to certain degrees. Sometimes I can keep my eyes closed, stay still, and continue to listen (I tried to carry the conversation further, but then I was so conscious of the fact that it was in my head that I just actively made up the rest of it). There are louder voices that cause me to stare wide-eyed at the ceiling when they come to me suddenly. After a few seconds of lying rigid in my bed, I allow myself to relax and shift positions, hoping to shake myself out of that state.

And then there are the things I hear that make me sit up in bed, gasping for air. Screams, threats whispered in my ear, or some incoherent yelling. One night, I swear I heard someone ringing a bell at the foot of the stairs. More recently, I heard knocking on my door. Both times, I stat up in bed a little freaked out, pressing my fingers to my ears again and again. When the noise subsided and I gathered enough courage to open my door, I flew down the stairs and asked mom if she was the one doing it, or if anyone else was.
Of course no one did it, it was just in my head.

The ones that make me sit up in bed are the most convincing. Usually, I can tell that what I'm hearing isn't resounding in the room....but that's really my only way of discerning auditory hallucinations. Otherwise, I have to actually ask someone if they heard it, too (e.g., "Do you hear that music...?" "Yes, someone's playing it outside.").
And, yes, I do sometimes hear unfamiliar music in my head.

Last night as I was falling asleep, this man's voice gradually grew loud enough for me to hear clearly. It started out the way these voices normally begin: with my name.

It sounded like it came from a walkie-talkie next to my ear; I know I heard a young man's voice being somewhat muffled and distorted with cracks in the sound. I stayed still.
Stephanie......*crack*.........I can't [inaudible]..............
What....? I rolled onto my back and thought it was over because I moved, but then--
--4:55, look. Just listen. . ..........*crack*.................Can't tell, but Stephanie -- can you hear me?
I opened my eyes and lay silently. I didn't say anything, but breathed deeply and shook my head hard. It was time for me to go to sleep. Just ignore it.

It was so loud, but so far away. Stop it! But again,
It's almost time. [inaudible] 4:55................ When you're in the field, then [inaudible] the house......and.........
I promptly sat up in bed and started fixing my blanket. Anything to hear real noises. But it went on for maybe 20 minutes, the young man repeating his message that I couldn't make out. He sounded frantic.

When I finally fell asleep, I woke up into a dream.
I was standing in the middle of a field.

But that's all I remember.

Things I hear at night are most distressing when they sound convincing, are persistent, and send me messages (like the other voice in 2005 that told me to check the door to make sure it's locked) ----

because I am afraid that I will always heed those messages and try to carry out the tasks for curiosity's sake....