Xanga Post 23: Layers

9.4.2006 __monday____
I can make myself dream what I want..! I'm getting better at it. But I need to actually learn to control them. It comes and goes on its own, but it's happening more frequently. Then again, it happened frequently before, and then faded for a year. And then came back. So it comes in waves, I guess.

Speaking of waves. The other night, or the night before that (whichever night felt like a monsoon), it sounded like there was an ocean outside my house, with the rain and the wind in the trees blending together. I fell asleep to that sound.

It's funny that I'm reading this now, because all hell broke loose yesterday. ... via storm clouds.

I love falling asleep to the sound of rain, especially when I'm at home. My room is in the attic of the house, so the only thing physically separating me from the rain is the ceiling/roof. It makes storms sound so much louder and closer. Like an ocean.

It's times like those when I become aware that there are only so many inches of solid, layered material keeping the rain from landing on my face....

Xanga Post 22: Closed vs. Open

7.17.2006 __monday____
Last night, I had such a lucid dream...! I knew I was dreaming, and I could restart whenever I wanted to. I was in a white building (it said "golf" on the entrance. ... haha) with some friends. It's like I was giving them a hidden tour, and I was their guide to travelling into a different world.. We went into rooms until we were so far into the building that nobody could find us. I remember walking down a white hallway and opening a white door to reveal a room where everything defies gravity. There was a ledge we walked on in the room, leading to the left, to another door. Then another hallway.. turn right, go through the door. Make another right, open the door hidden to your left. Go straight across the room and through that door. One more left turn, and we were there. But where were we? Everytime we walked through the door, I always thought of something I forgot to do, and so I started the dream over again. Then I could feel myself waking up, and I couldn't keep myself asleep. I did wake up, but then I made myself fall asleep again. Still, I didn't get to see what was at the end (if that was the end).

I used to try to remember how I moved through spaces in my dreams. As if I could recreate them again. I don't even remember what the place looked like, anymore. At least, not right now. Maybe in a few years it'll come to me....

I know better, now. I've learned since then that there's so much more to pay attention to than simply where I go.

But it's interesting to note the circulation path that can be mapped, based on my description. I could have easily dreamt of an overlapping path that leads to different rooms instead of the same room, creating a nonsensical, impossible setting. I could have travelled up or down stairs, taken an elevator and created an entire other level to explore.
When I dreamt this, I was all too aware of the places I wasn't experiencing. There were doors that I skipped. There were too many walls. There were so many closed spaces. Everything was seemingly private, hidden, or off limits.

There weren't even any windows. I have no idea what the outside world looked like.

In my own dream, I felt somewhat......unwelcome. But that's what happens when everything is hidden from view, leaving one surrounded by walls, floors, and ceilings. Virtually, the structure becomes a labyrinth.
Thus, open floor plans and windows are often necessary to encourage a good, healthy, welcoming atmosphere.

It was quite an adventure.

Xanga Post 21: Time of the Demon

This painting creates a pretty accurate depiction of what sleep paralysis is like, for those who have never experienced it. It literally feels like a demon is sitting on you. Or near you. The feelings of fear and vulnerability are heightened to begin with, and they are only worsened once you realize you can't physically move anything.

4.7.2006 __friday____

I fell asleep on books last night. Four. With my glasses still on. I had a dream that I woke up and fixed the books I fell asleep on and took off my glasses. I fixed my journals too because they were all crooked. I looked at the clock and it was 7:06 and I thought it said 666 (it would, if the clock went past 60 minutes). So I looked outside my window and saw a sunset, but it was really a sunrise. I felt something watching me from my floor, and I heard some kind of crackling noise, but I refused to look down and instead wrapped myself in my blankets and went back to sleep. Except I never really woke up in the first place. I thought I was awake.. But I wasn't scared. I was just like, "Oh, okay.." Then I *really* woke up at 7:30-something -- Anjel would be leaving for school soon. I still had my glasses on, and the books were still on my bed. My journals were still leaning on each other. But all I did was take off my glasses and go back to sleep. I woke up again to see the clock's numbers flicker to 9:11. It's cloudy outside.

I don't really know what to call this phenomenon.

It's not sleep paralysis, because I was completely asleep. I was dreaming.
It's not a lucid dream, because I wasn't aware that I was dreaming. I thought I was awake.
What is it? I have a feeling I know what it's called, but I can't think of it right now. It's like a combination of both.

I get it all the time. Very frequently when I'm exhausted.

When I'm stressed and overly tired, I sometimes get all three in sequence.
Sleep paralysis is the worst, though, because it tires me out even more. When I finally get out of it, I can feel how much effort I put into concentrating on moving my body, even if it's just my arm.

I like the fact that I make notes of little things like the time.
People often say that if you want to test yourself in a dream or reach a level of lucidity, you should look at your hands or look at a clock. If you notice the time is wrong or it doesn't make sense, and if you can hold on to your thought, you can become lucid.
For me, it is the opposite most of the time. Once I notice something is off, I can't hold on to the dream anymore, and I wake up. That's my biggest problem with lucid dreaming; it always has been.

Although, I do notice little things like how 7:06 is the same as 6:66... The time of the demon (unless, of course, it's your Kairos time...)

When I look out my window, I can see neither the sunset nor the sunrise. From my bed, looking out my window, I don't face those directions; it's more south or southwest. But when I dreamt of seeing the sun outside, it seemed normal enough.
But remembering the dream now, the shadows weren't consistent with the sun. They were in their normal places, as if the sun was in the right place (or, rather, as if the house was oriented correctly).

And the sun didn't produce any glare... It was just... in the sky.

That's pretty creepy.

Meanwhile, there was that thing sitting on the floor. It's always there when I have sleep paralysis or some crazy dream like that, where I think I'm awake.
Some shadow prowls my floor at night, darker than the shadows already ruling the rest of my room. It makes a crackling noise, like a dying fire calling for more fuel.

It waits for me to fall asleep with my immobilized arm to hang off of the bed so that it can grab me...because it can't climb up. But I'm waiting for it to learn one night. I expect to feel a weight on my legs, pushing the threads of my blanket against my skin.

I can't do anything. So I will wait.