Saturday, August 7, 2010

Xanga Post 16: Part I - Sensible Creation

I really hope you're not intimidated by the fact that this is considerably lengthy and only "Part I," because I promise you it is worth reading and considering. If it makes you feel better, the block quote is comprised of three dreams. You need only read the first one to understand the rest of this post. The following two dreams will be the subjects of Part II. So feel free to skip them for now. :)

There are certain aspects of dreams that seem repetitive and reminiscent, kind of like a song with a sample from another tune. If you've seen Inception (again with that movie... that brilliant movie), it's similar to....... "take a leap of faith."

This obnoxious gap of space is to keep you from reading spoilers in case you haven't seen it.

***spoiler alert***

For those of you who don't know, that phrase being said again and again by different characters (Saito and Mal) is one observation that could back up a theory that the entire movie was a dream.
However, I think there are far more outweighing details in the movie that tell us otherwise; that Cobb is not dreaming for the entirety of the movie, only some parts of it.

*** spoiler alert***

Well! Now that you didn't read that....
The brain recycles information and fits it in ideal spots, which explains why I dream of certain things again and again, be it a person, place, thing, sentence, etc. I think of it as an error message; something my brain has to process, leave for later, and come back to it to try again. Everything's a puzzle, when I sleep.

This particular Xanga update is a pretty good example of what I mean.

9.4.2005 __sunday____
the other night i had a dream i was a governess or something. i don't really remember who i was. but i was in an old house - it was dark and big, it might have even been a castle. i remember seeing a man walking quickly down the stairs that lined the walls. there were several landings and floors. so i chased after him. i knew him as the father of the children i was the governess of, and the master of the castle. as i glided down the staircase as swiftly as he, i had flashes of three women screaming after him. screaming, and then a raspy scream. at one point they were women: a housekeeper, a maid, and another servant. at another point i saw three skulls and the upper half of their skeletons. i looked up as i was running and i saw them at the top of the landing behind me, screaming after him. they called out his name, "WAAARRRRICK!!"

when i looked over at him and saw him making his way around the banister, he was moving as quickly as he could without running - which was still pretty quick for me.. then we were in the dark driveway. i was calling after him as he got in the driver's seat of his car. inside were his children - two girls and a boy, his son being the oldest. warrick didn't listen to me but closed the door and started the engine while the children were staring out at me. i don't remember anymore if they were panicked or they wanted to leave me, but they were watching me. and then i saw the littlest girl in the back looking out the window. i remember thinking that she looked like she'd given up.
and then the car started to fill up with water and sparks were flying everywhere. i ran up to the car and opened the doors. the water poured out and they fell out; i helped them up.


last night's dream was different. i had two, actually. in the first one, all my 8th grade friends and classmates were there. we were having a party. a dance, a ball. we had to dress formally; the girls wore gowns and the guys wore suits - tuxedos, if they wanted. they were all waltzing and dancing (very well choreographed, might i add.. lol). i saw my friends with their boyfriends and girlfriends before they broke up, having a great time. i was on the side watching them, watching people arriving and meeting and greeting each other. i saw someone on my left looking my way, but i thought he was looking for someone past me. so i got up and started to leave - until he took my hand and turned me around to say hi. it was .... i didn't see him for so long. he was one of the few who chose to come in a tuxedo. he extended his hand for a handshake, but i hugged him instead. :) so he patted my head and hugged me back. lol
i told him to wait because i had to take care of something upstairs (the party was in what was my house in the dream. the room was wide and it was dark, so it reminded me of the castle in the previous dream), so i left him there. i had to fix things in my room, check my cell phone for messages from people trying to find their way to the party.. and i could hear his thoughts, "i'm want to dance with her." so i hurried to organize things. but when i went back downstairs, i couldn't find him anywhere. he left.
and then i saw my other friend, ..... he talked to me for a while, and i thought we were going to dance. but then someone else called me and i asked him to wait there for me. i was engaged in another conversation, and when i returned, he was dancing with someone.
when i was so sure i would be bored to death at this party, someone came up to me and sat down beside me. he started to talk to me and make me laugh, and then he asked me to dance with him. i said yes, but at the same time someone bumped into me and spilled her drink on a small part of my gown. so i looked at him and he said he'd wait for me while i went to clean it. it took such a long time to get it out, i was so sure he'd left to dance with someone else, but when i came back he was still standing in the same spot i'd left him.

but i don't know what he looked like. :-\ (you can start laughing now)

eh.. this entry's become longer than i expected. that second dream doesn't really matter, i guess. it's just all deja vu of another dream. and me feeling like i'm in trouble because i'm trapped in a prison cell with two other people and the doorknob has a keyhole (don't know why) and i have a key when i'm not supposed to and the guard knows i have it when he looks inside sees me try to put it in my pocket, so he smiles dangerously at me as if he'll kill me if i come out. it was scary because when i opened it for the first time, there was nobody there. but when i tried to close the door and was about to put the key into the keyhole, i couldn't get it in there. i wasn't quick enough! and then i heard footsteps coming my way so i jammed it in there but then the guard was starting to open the door and it was opening!! so i had to push it with my feet and lock it with my right hand... and then he knew i had his key.. so he'd be waiting out there.. another scary part was when we were all still inside the cell and we were watching the guard watching us. watching me.. as i tried to move slowly and slip the key inside my pocket.. but he saw what i was doing and he stared at me wide-eyed and smiled... *shudder* scary smile..

My mind has a thing for raspy voices and wide-eyed, toothy smiles. It's those things that are my own equivalent to "a leap of faith." I don't even notice that those elements appear again, as I'm dreaming it up. It seems to fit the context of the story pretty well. It's only from writing down all the details and reading over it again that I was able to pick that out.
Well, I suppose that I have to know somehow. There's that underlying feeling, very faint and almost nonexistent, but it's there: awareness.

I'm telling you, details are of the utmost importance. ;)

Let's talk architecture, shall we?

I swear, the place I dreamt of was complete with all details. Every brick, every railing, every motif in place. Every year of aging was evident in the worn grooves of the steps I walked on. The raspy screams of the women echoed appropriately, bouncing off of the correct surfaces accordingly and reaching my eardrums. The fading light outside shone through distant trees and ran across the open field to violently, silently meet Warrick and his children when they burst through the doors.

But we know none of it was real, correct?

Everything is as real as your mind makes it. You can still have your five senses. And those five senses do nothing if not aid us in how we perceive our world.
As far as I'm concerned, when I dream, nothing exists until I interact with it. There was no castle until I saw it. The steps I walked on didn't exist until my feet touched them on my way down. My brain almost-simultaneously created the walls around me
and created the right echoes that those walls would allow. It's exactly as Cobb said in the movie: when we dream, our brain follows a cycle of creating and perceiving the creation in an almost seamless motion.

And lucidity is the key to get in between the two motions.

Now, since I wasn't lucid in these dreams, my brain subconsciously created something that I perceived as an old castle. What did it look like on the outside? I don't know. What did the kitchen look like? The bedrooms? I don't know. I didn't create all of it. I just came up with what I would interact with according to my senses. Like the set of a play, this castle of mine was created efficiently and... well, sensibly.

What's outside my bedroom right now, as I'm awake?
Well, I know it's the hallway, and that Evie's room is right across from me. I could draw you a picture of what's out there, down to what color the doorknobs are (they're golden). I've been there a countless number of times. It's stored in my memory, and I can't erase it.
But I'm not looking at it right now, and I can't hear anything that might tell me which walls are where or how high the ceiling is.

For all I care, nothing exists outside my bedroom right now...