Facebook Note 1: At The Park

10.19.2008 __sunday____

I dreamt I was in the van with my family, and Auntie Veron, and Matthew. We were on our way to some amusement park, but it was cold in the back where Matthew and I were, so I went back into the house to get a blue blanket. It took a long time to get to where we were going. I took a nap after I watched us drive away from Lansdowne (if only I remembered the route we took -- I wonder if it really exists -- probably not).

When we got to the park and started walking on the grass, there was the sidewalk that some of us walked on, and then there was a sort of lawn. I was walking on the grass. There was one section marked by a rock -- actually, two, one on each end -- that began to sink underneath me as I walked on it. That's when I remembered.

I dreamt this before.
All of it.
(It must've been one of those dreams that I forgot when I awoke in the morning and left me feeling incomplete)

I jumped away from the hole that was covered by the faux grass... I would've fallen through if I weighed a little more. Or if I walked over the very center of the ditch. I pulled Matthew away, too, and told everyone to walk around.
At that point, a man came up to me and reminded me of the dog. He told me what to do to get away from it, since I couldn't last time. Or maybe I did, with a lot of trouble and time wasted in the dream. In any case, this older man told me to avoid certain areas of the room I was about to enter ("Stay away from the corner by the far doorway"), to stand on some tables, and to make certain movements to make the dog go outside.
I was expecting to see the demonic dog that I dreamt of last time. But when I walked into a nearby house and stood by the doorway of an almost empty, white livingroom, my point of view changed. Through some invisible eye near the ceiling, I saw a dog enter the room. I saw my shadow by the door across the room. Instead of seeing the same dog, this one was smaller. It was a puppy, the younger version of the same animal. He still attempted to be vicious, and I didn't do anything less than what the man told me, but I wasn't nearly as scared as I was before. Soon enough, the puppy sprinted out of the room, and the tension followed it. I followed, as well. Back outside, my family was still standing around, but they were playing with the puppy, who was now free of all malevolence. They didn't understand how the room affected him, and how dangerous he would've been if he was fully grown. I couldn't tell them this happened before, in a different time. (But the man knew....)

The scene changed, but we were in the same general area. I was inside some building with Matthew -- everyone else was somewhere around us, but not important at the time. We sat by a pool, the walls around us bricks.... The pool walls themselves were painted a dark red to match the rest of the wide room. I don't remember what I was wearing, or what everyone else around me was wearing. But I was thinking of going into the water -- the water that looked like clear blood now.
Matthew sat on the edge, one leg dangling into the pool, the other along the edge. It was in a cast, starting from his knee going all the way down to his foot -- or where his foot would've been. There was a stub there in its place, with a nail in the middle.....
He said to me, "Just take it off.....please..."
I don't remember hearing myself say anything, but I had the idea in my head that I told him I couldn't. I wouldn't. The doctor tried so hard to help, and it was working. Really.
"There's nothing. good. about this," he continued, "I don't know what you mean. ....what miracle...."
He could've lost his entire leg....
I was standing behind him by this point. All of a sudden, the doctor showed up next to me.
The water in the pool was gone.
And Matthew started to cry.

The scene changed again. Again, same general area.
I definitely remember dreaming of this part of the park or wherever we were... several times.
So let's go back to one of my past dreams.

It's difficult to explain the scenery, I'd have to draw it for you. (Maybe I will sometime.....)
Imagine standing on a boardwalk by a vast lake, containing nothing but crystal clear water and rocks covered in blue-green algae.
Now imagine a sort of structure about one football field's length away, the structure itself being around that length as well. It looks like it could be a really long bird watching tower... but I don't really know how to describe it, because that's not what it is. It's made of steel. There's a platform at the top that juts out of the right side, and has ladders extening downward from it, not really reaching anywhere.. They kind of just hang there. The middle part of the structure is mostly a sort of roof. The only way to get across is to balance on a pole, or a very thin platform.. and hold on to a pole above your head. On the other side of the structure is yet another platform, but instead of being on the top, it's on the bottom so that people can walk on it. And there are ladders going up this time, leading to a second floor that juts out towards the viewer on the boardwalk.

The first time I dreamt of this, I was walking along the edge of the lake. But instead of having a shore, there's a cliff. I was walking along there, below the boardwalk, in the direction of a town even farther below, just above the water. Everything was on stilts, and the sky was gray with clouds. I actually entered this little town, and somehow got myself over to the structure in the lake. I even walked across the plank and held onto the bar above my head. And I could see across to the other side of the lake, and saw the shore there....

This time, in last night's dream, I was with Matthew on the boardwalk, the sky was clear of clouds, and there were people on the tower-thing. Matt didn't have a cast on his leg anymore; he was fine. It never happened. Again, my family was nowhere to be seen. I told him, "Do you see that?"
"Of course I do... Why?"
"Just making sure you see it...." Then I added,"I dreamt of this before, but last time --"
"-- What?" he interrupted.
".....Nothing."
Then, luckily, I noticed a girl walking along the plank, with her hands above her head. She was in the shadows, and all I could see was her steady silhouette. I pointed her out to Matthew, who joined me in watching her...
As she came out of the shadows, her golden hair shining in the light, I saw that her hands weren't grasping the horizontal pole to steady herself. She was just balancing. I called out, "She's going to fall! Oh my god..."
I was watching the rocks below....The girl looked too high above the water.. The water looked too shallow.
And so she lost her balance.

She fell into the water, and as I gasped, everyone around me turned to watch. The other teenagers climbing all over the structure stopped. Along the cliffs, there were some people who were planning on diving into the deeper parts -- but still dangerous... Everyone watched as she fell into the water. I waited for a line of blood to rise up and color the lake, but she kept falling. She stopped moving finally, and still didn't hit the bottom -- the rocks were farther below than I thought.
But she began to convulse a little, from lack of oxygen. She pushed herself upwards as fast as she could, but was very weak from losing her orietation. ...She reached the surface, though, and caught her breath.
She couldn't tread water very well. She fell beneath the surface again and began sinking, but brought herself up the same way. Nobody moved from where they were. The girl clumsily swam over to the boardwalk, but I lost sight of her as she neared the cliffs. Everyone around started laughing at her, and surprisingly, she laughed with them.

The scene changed. Same place.
To the left of the structure, on land, the boardwalk extended.... At the end of the boardwalk, there was pretty much nothing. At the same time, there was.
I dreamt of this before, as well.

In my first dream of this place, I stood on the edge of the boardwalk, which simply ended and had no destination. Ahead was sand, mixed with an array of trash and dead things. In the middle of all of it, straight ahead, was a scarecrow.
I was curious and wanted to get a better look at it -- I could barely see what it looked like, or how it was positioned. From what I could see, the scarecrow seemed to sit on an extremely high seat instead of standing up straight, leaning on a pole.
Curioser and curioser.
I stepped down from the safety of the boardwalk.
In doing so, I thought I saw the scarecrow's leg slip down a little, but at the same time a crow flew by with something in its mouth, so I figured it just moved the leg. I continued to walk over, and I remember my sisters were nearby, still on the boardwalk. I don't remember if they said anything to me.
I stepped over dead bodies. A cat. A mouse. Maybe that one thing was a person at one point. There was litter everywhere. But everything, for the most part, had lost its color in the sun and now blended in nicely with the sand around it. I made my way over to the chair upon which the scarecrow sat, but before I could get close enough to see his face, I saw bones jutting out from his ragged clothes. The almost-skeleton held on to the seat of the chair as he dropped himself down. To my level.
I was still a few feet off. He began to adjust his legs and dusted himself off. Then he looked at me and made a coughing sound. But it was rhythmic, and he moved slowly to the beat of it. It wasn't coughing, but I don't know how else to describe it.
He ran towards me.
But as he did, he did a sort of terrifying dance, making movements with his hands, scooping up the air as if he drew his energy and life from all that was around him.
I ran.
I stumbled over every dead thing that lay in my way, but I ran.
He was so fast, though... as all things are in chasing dreams.
I climbed up onto the boardwalk, where my sisters were waiting for me. The scarecrow was right behind me and almost grabbed my leg. But as I turned around, I saw he stood just in front of the boardwalk... Right in front of my feet. He screeched and paced back and forth. He circled me and my sisters. He stepped over bones and kicked dead bodies and sand.
Then he walked away and sat on his throne again. Facing me.

In last night's dream, I saw that Matthew wanted to walk on the boardwalk and see what it led to, since it was so long. We walked past the structure, past all the people laughing and having fun. Then it was only sand. And I saw lumps in the sand. And I saw a shadow in the distance. I could almost hear the beat of the scarecrow's song...I turned around and told Matthew to follow me back. He did, and the coughing noise subsided.

Last part of my dream. Same area.
We were inside another building, on an elevator. Again, it was just me and Matthew going around. As we got on the elevator, we were headed down to the main floor, which had nothing in it. The elevator itself didn't really have a door that closed; it was simply an open space, and you could see the floors you passed. He kissed me.. and then pressed several floor buttons. 9, 4, 1, 7.
There were other people on the elevator with us. A woman made announcements over the loudspeaker, such as, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the main floor. I hope you have enjoyed your stay at ______." (Sadly, I don't remember where we were...)
When Matthew pressed the buttons, the elevator changed its course and ascended to the 9th floor. There was nothing there but beams that supported the building. As we all moved upwards, the woman said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very sorry for the inconvenience. This floor is no longer in use and has been completely erased. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Next floor, 7."
It was the same for floor 7.
There was a 4th floor, but we didn't get off. No one did. It was just a long hallway with a vent at the end -- possibly a portal into another dream.
As we passed, there was no 3rd floor. There was no 2nd floor, either.
We reached the first floor.
I don't remember what it was.
I woke up.

Xanga Post 25: Outside in a Dream

I have finally reached the end of my Xanga posts concerning dreams! Considering how much I like to write, it's ironic that it consists of only one sentence.

1.27.2007 __saturday____
I had a dream last night that I was watching myself sleep.

That's all it was. For however many hours I was asleep, that's all I remember seeing. Time was so incredibly slow...(or, perhaps more likely, I dreamt of other things but didn't remember them).

I can't say the same for everyone else, but I don't like hearing my voice. I don't like seeing my face from certain angles in pictures or videos. I don't like a lot of things about my physical appearance. Why did I dream of seeing myself?

Well, it's probably because I fell asleep thinking about ghosts or something, honestly.

I stood by my door. Very faintly, I could feel my own blanket surrounding me. I felt a cool breeze kissing my neck as I stood, in tandem with some undefined warmth that happened to be my pillow. And my arm wasn't really hanging limply by my side, but was underneath me, pressing into the mattress. There I stood. But there I slept.

Something about seeing myself curled up in bed that made me realize that I'm just a person. Whether it was just a dream or another strange phenomenon (because dreams are pretty strange), I wasn't that concerned about it. I was focused too much on just looking at this girl. My own self was nowhere to be detected; I was a complete outsider.

It's so damn difficult to describe what it feels like to be in two places at once; to confuse the physical with the imaginary. To me, it's become such a cliche topic... I'm not sure who actually understands it. I'm still not sure if I understand it. At night, feeling or doing multiple things simultaneously doesn't confuse or fluster me. But if I try to recall the same thing in the middle of the day......it's impossible. Yet I have trouble keeping track of events....

So many times during the day, I have to actually ask myself if I did something or not. Simple things remind me of something I dreamt years ago, and I'm left with a sense of nostalgia that I can't shake.

Whether or not you can relate to this kind of experience isn't really the question, though. Because you will never be able to fully relate to me.

I'm not trying to sound like a downer; that's just how it is.

So I dreamt of myself and now I'm talking about it. So what?

Well....this blog is partially pointless because of the fact that it's too personal. It's definitely not one of those blogs that everyone can read and say, "Oh, yeah, that's happened to me before."

That's not what I wanted. This wasn't made for everyone to relate to so easily.... But on certain levels, you can relate. You have to think about it.

At least I'm giving you examples of different types of dreams that you might have had.... And at least I'm offering some insight or letting you see things in a different way..... right? (maybe not. but I hope I am.)

While I am always interested in hearing about others' dreams and am more than willing to talk about them when asked -- I can't fully interpret them for you. There's an unlimited amount of creativity that the mind can offer. There is also an endless supply of interpretations that each dream can give.

It's what you wake up feeling that makes it meaningful.

It's what you get from it years later that can help define who you are.