Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Xanga Post 25: Outside in a Dream

I have finally reached the end of my Xanga posts concerning dreams! Considering how much I like to write, it's ironic that it consists of only one sentence.

1.27.2007 __saturday____
I had a dream last night that I was watching myself sleep.

That's all it was. For however many hours I was asleep, that's all I remember seeing. Time was so incredibly slow...(or, perhaps more likely, I dreamt of other things but didn't remember them).

I can't say the same for everyone else, but I don't like hearing my voice. I don't like seeing my face from certain angles in pictures or videos. I don't like a lot of things about my physical appearance. Why did I dream of seeing myself?
Well, it's probably because I fell asleep thinking about ghosts or something, honestly.

I stood by my door. Very faintly, I could feel my own blanket surrounding me. I felt a cool breeze kissing my neck as I stood, in tandem with some undefined warmth that happened to be my pillow. And my arm wasn't really hanging limply by my side, but was underneath me, pressing into the mattress. There I stood. But there I slept.

Something about seeing myself curled up in bed that made me realize that I'm just a person. Whether it was just a dream or another strange phenomenon (because dreams are pretty strange), I wasn't that concerned about it. I was focused too much on just looking at this girl. My own self was nowhere to be detected; I was a complete outsider.

It's so damn difficult to describe what it feels like to be in two places at once; to confuse the physical with the imaginary. To me, it's become such a cliche topic... I'm not sure who actually understands it. I'm still not sure if I understand it. At night, feeling or doing multiple things simultaneously doesn't confuse or fluster me. But if I try to recall the same thing in the middle of the day......it's impossible. Yet I have trouble keeping track of events....
So many times during the day, I have to actually ask myself if I did something or not. Simple things remind me of something I dreamt years ago, and I'm left with a sense of nostalgia that I can't shake.

Whether or not you can relate to this kind of experience isn't really the question, though. Because you will never be able to fully relate to me.
I'm not trying to sound like a downer; that's just how it is.

So I dreamt of myself and now I'm talking about it. So what?
Well....this blog is partially pointless because of the fact that it's too personal. It's definitely not one of those blogs that everyone can read and say, "Oh, yeah, that's happened to me before."
That's not what I wanted. This wasn't made for everyone to relate to so easily.... But on certain levels, you can relate. You have to think about it.
At least I'm giving you examples of different types of dreams that you might have had.... And at least I'm offering some insight or letting you see things in a different way..... right? (maybe not. but I hope I am.)

While I am always interested in hearing about others' dreams and am more than willing to talk about them when asked -- I can't fully interpret them for you. There's an unlimited amount of creativity that the mind can offer. There is also an endless supply of interpretations that each dream can give.
It's what you wake up feeling that makes it meaningful.
It's what you get from it years later that can help define who you are.

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