Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Xanga Post 16: Part II - The Looks of Evil

I don't know who's actually reading what I post (other than the few who have told me), and I haven't been getting comments lately. So while I have visitors, perhaps it's "too long" and no one really wants to read it.

Because people prefer things like Tumblr....

I don't really know how to condense what I want to say, though.

I already did Part I, so I took out the first part of the original Xanga entry.

9.4.2005 __sunday____

last night's dream was different. i had two, actually. in the first one, all my 8th grade friends and classmates were there. we were having a party. a dance, a ball. we had to dress formally; the girls wore gowns and the guys wore suits - tuxedos, if they wanted. they were all waltzing and dancing (very well choreographed, might i add.. lol). i saw my friends with their boyfriends and girlfriends before they broke up, having a great time. i was on the side watching them, watching people arriving and meeting and greeting each other. i saw someone on my left looking my way, but i thought he was looking for someone past me. so i got up and started to leave - until he took my hand and turned me around to say hi. it was .... i didn't see him for so long. he was one of the few who chose to come in a tuxedo. he extended his hand for a handshake, but i hugged him instead. :) so he patted my head and hugged me back. lol
i told him to wait because i had to take care of something upstairs (the party was in what was my house in the dream. the room was wide and it was dark, so it reminded me of the castle in the previous dream), so i left him there. i had to fix things in my room, check my cell phone for messages from people trying to find their way to the party.. and i could hear his thoughts, "i want to dance with her." so i hurried to organize things. but when i went back downstairs, i couldn't find him anywhere. he left.
and then i saw my other friend, ..... he talked to me for a while, and i thought we were going to dance. but then someone else called me and i asked him to wait there for me. i was engaged in another conversation, and when i returned, he was dancing with someone.
when i was so sure i would be bored to death at this party, someone came up to me and sat down beside me. he started to talk to me and make me laugh, and then he asked me to dance with him. i said yes, but at the same time someone bumped into me and spilled her drink on a small part of my gown. so i looked at him and he said he'd wait for me while i went to clean it. it took such a long time to get it out, i was so sure he'd left to dance with someone else, but when i came back he was still standing in the same spot i'd left him.

but i don't know what he looked like. :-\ (you can start laughing now)

eh.. this entry's become longer than i expected. that second dream doesn't really matter, i guess. it's just all deja vu of another dream. and me feeling like i'm in trouble because i'm trapped in a prison cell with two other people and the doorknob has a keyhole (don't know why) and i have a key when i'm not supposed to and the guard knows i have it when he looks inside sees me try to put it in my pocket, so he smiles dangerously at me as if he'll kill me if i come out. it was scary because when i opened it for the first time, there was nobody there. but when i tried to close the door and was about to put the key into the keyhole, i couldn't get it in there. i wasn't quick enough! and then i heard footsteps coming my way so i jammed it in there but then the guard was starting to open the door and it was opening!! so i had to push it with my feet and lock it with my right hand... and then he knew i had his key.. so he'd be waiting out there.. another scary part was when we were all still inside the cell and we were watching the guard watching us. watching me.. as i tried to move slowly and slip the key inside my pocket.. but he saw what i was doing and he stared at me wide-eyed and smiled... *shudder* scary smile..

I remember thinking about that first dream a lot, after it happened....It amazes me how I can think about this one and still feel like I can relate to it. The face of the first boy is still fresh in my mind. I know him in real life....The second boy? I might know who it is, I don't remember now. But as always, "third time's a charm." If it was a movie, you'd be able to tell it was the right guy because he offered to wait before I even asked him to. And he didn't just say he'd wait; I remember hearing, "I'll wait for you." Those words registered as being meaningful and sincere. And in a movie, of course that would have a double meaning, haha.
It was one of those dreams that left me waking up thinking, "I don't want to be alone." Now that I'm older and I actually know what I want, it seems kind of silly that I was thinking about the right person for me....at the age of 15.

(One year later, I believe I found the guy without looking for him.)

And in the second dream--
You can always tell when I'm tired, because when I write, nothing makes sense. Everything is either a run-on sentence or a fragment, and then nothing makes sense.....as if dreams aren't already confusing as it is. This second dream is just.... . . . . ... . .. .. whaaaa....
I both love and hate having deja vu of dreams. Sometimes, I think they really happened. But it's great when I remember they're dreams -- I get all excited.
But it's so frustrating when it just slips my mind, because there's an 80% chance I won't get it back until something triggers the memory of it years later.

I wonder what it would be like to be in a real prison cell. Having no experience with that kind of situation, I wouldn't know anything about it. If I could make this dream (or any other dream) take place in real life, I wonder how accurately I would measure my imagination to be. Ceiling heights, lengths and widths of the room, thickness of the door.....all that.

I talked about that signature smile before.
The one that gives me goosebumps when I see it (and I've only ever seen it in dreams -- I feel like it's not possible to look that demonic in real life).
Really, it is a demonic smile. It's full of polished teeth concealing some dark abyss I'm not familiar with. Whenever I dream of someone smiling like that, I think, "That thing is not me."

It is me, it's just not what I think of myself.

Some people would say that if evil had a physical form, it would be a huge, black dog with rabies or something. Or maybe a black cat that hisses....or a snake....or whatever.
That smile is the manifestation of evil in my imagination. If evil had a face, it would smile correctly and contemptuously. It would be perfect to the point where the gesture looks alien to the rest of the person's face, as if it's some parasite clinging to the roof of your mouth.
It would almost pass as a genuinely pure smile if not for closer inspection, making it blend so easily with the rest of the world.

I guess I got that mentality from observing all the fake smiles that people put on, or seeing how people act nicely one moment, and then they go and contradict it.

We all have a little bit of evil in us.
What does it look like to you?

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