Tuesday, October 16, 2012


While everyone else is still awake, I'll write this.

It must have been three weeks ago by now, but it's been in my mind ever since: one of the most convincing, odd, false awakenings I've ever experienced.

My alarm is set for 5:45am. I woke up (or "woke up" -- I'm still not sure) around 5:30, checked the time, sighed at how I wouldn't be able to get more sleep, and closed my eyes again.
Then my alarm went off. It seemed to be too soon, but I thought, Whatever. I guess I dozed off.
So I turned it off. Lay in bed for a while.

Just before I picked myself up, I felt a presence beside me. And then behind me. But because I was lying on my stomach and my face was in my pillow, I couldn't see anything.
No, I wasn't paralyzed. At least, I don't think I was at first.
What was so strange about this one was that I just..... didn't care to move. I felt very relaxed even though I knew that I wasn't alone in the room. I didn't care that my blankets began to feel heavier, as if they'd been soaked in water. There was a weight all around me, but I told myself, It's okay. This is normal.

Another distant voice in my head urgently whispered to me to head for the door. Here's how you do it: don't look up. But don't look directly at the floor, either. Please don't. Please, please don't. Roll out of bed and go straight for the doorknob. Please. Do it. NOW.
I didn't do it.

That voice came and went, but the tone of urgency got confused, and suddenly a hissed --It's okay. This is normal. made me stay perfectly still as I began to slide along my bed.
And very calmly, Go straight for the doorknob.... just faded away. I could feel my head touching the edge of my bookcase at the head of my mattress before I began to slowly float in the opposite direction. 
This happened a few times. I counted four.

But four was enough, apparently, because I picked myself up after a while, thought nothing of it, and headed straight for the bathroom.

Now, I wear makeup and don't always wash it off before going to bed, so that by the time I get up in the morning, my eyeshadow is kind of messed up. When I went into the bathroom this time, I looked at myself in the mirror without my glasses and thought, Ugh, my eyes look so dark. I need to take this off....
I leaned in close to get a better look. Again, it didn't really occur to me that I should be afraid of seeing myself with different eyes. It just looked like me. Not a menacing face. Just... me. With sunken, scratchy eyes.
So I looked down at the faucet and thought about turning on the water to rinse off my makeup. No, that's cold water....
When I looked back up at myself, my face about an inch away from this girl, I saw that she'd been watching me that whole time. Do your job and move with me, reflection.


And then every single excited expression clicked on. I couldn't tell if she was angry or not. Every muscle in her face was strained. Her eyes were fierce, eyebrows furrowed and arched at the same time. Nostrils flared, and she opened her mouth wide enough that I thought her lips were going to split.
And then she made a sound.
A whisper.
It was so quiet, but it deafened me. It sounded like screams...if they were pixels that created a whisper as an image. It also sounded like it was... backwards. A sharp intake of breath. A million voices in one.

And then it was gone. Done. And I was back in bed. I opened my eyes one minute before my 5:45am alarm sounded. It never happened. But it did.

Two things happened, actually.
1. I watched my reflection go crazy, and I finally reacted and became terrified, covering my ears and shutting my eyes to undo it.
2. My reflection didn't do anything. I just stared at myself with sunken eyes and slowly realized that I wasn't awake.

They both happened at the same time. There is no way for me to illustrate this for you. But this is what it's not like:
It's not like seeing one scene with one eye and the other scene with the other.
It's not like seeing one scene play out completely and then rewinding to see the "alternative."
It's not like overlaying one image with another to create some sort of collage.

There was another mirror dream...
But I'll have to share that one later. I need to sleep so that I can wake up at 5:45am and take a shower when everyone else is still asleep.

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