Just like in the morning.

The other night -- and I mean the night before last night -- I found myslef trapped. Sleep paralysis, you've done it again!

But I think I've finally figured it out.

All I have to do is open my eyes to trigger it. Sounds kind of funny, right?

Well, the moment I open my eyes and realize I'm paralyzed,

I feel like I'm gonna die.

My body is surrounded by that pins-and-needles feeling, and I can't do much else other than freak out in my head.
I was suddenly aware that I was stuck, but I know this feeling all too well. I also know how to get out of it without using too much energy, but I wanted to know how quickly I can do it. So I scrunched up my whole body, fighting what I could only imagine looked like convulsions, until I successfully moved. Only, it was just my head that I was able to turn towards my pillow. It was enough to wake myself up, but I was left with my heart racing and temperature rising. This doesn't happen to me much, but when I have sleep paralysis, I end up with that feverish feeling. It's not fun.

The next morning, I did some research about SP to learn about other ways to snap out of it. I came across an interesting article in which the author explained that "out-of-body experiences" could be brought about by using SP to your advantage. Most of the essay dealt with how to get yourself into the sleep paralysis state (at which point, I thought to myself, Who in their right mind would want to put themselves in that position? But then I looked at myself. Guilty.) Fortunately -- in this case, anyway -- I already know how trigger it.

So I read on.

...Focus on your awareness on your face and concentrate on breathing slowly
and easy. Don't be alarmed if you feel vibrations or a rapid heart beat, this is
normal. If you let this scare you, you'll blow it, so it's important that you
don't let this freak you out. After the vibrations and sounds disappear, you'll
be able to get right up out of your body just like you would get up out of bed
in the morning.

Bullshit.

1. If I don't feel the vibrations anymore, I must be awake. I've done that before.
2. If I'm lying still in bed and then suddenly move, I'll trigger sleep paralysis all over again. How can I sit up in bed when I know I can't even move a finger?


So I let it go and forgot about it, until last night when I tried to reach for the cord of my earbuds wrapped around my arm. I couldn't move.
Fine, then. Let's try it.
I opened my eyes and immediately heard in my ear all the buzzing that my nerves were creating. So noisy....
It's okay, you're fine, you're just temporarily paralyzed. Don't freak out, just stay awake. Stay awake. Don't lose it, stay.
I knew my door was locked, but I felt someone's gaze focused on my back.
Nobody is there. Your door is locked. Just stay calm, you're fine. STAY AWAKE.
And sure enough, the buzzing subsided and my body felt fine. Whoever was watching me decided to leave me alone.



And I sat up in bed.

I felt dizzy and light-headed, kind of groggy in a strange way. But nothing too unusual. Just still in that dream-like phase because I just got up.

I walked to my door and unlocked it, not looking back at my bed. If there's anything I know, it's not to look at myself while I'm asleep. If you're not trained to withstand the shock of seeing yourself, then you'll lose lucidity and wake up. And I didn't want to lose the undeniable control that I had.

Not that I thought I was still asleep. I was so sure that I was awake. I just didn't want to face the facts yet. Because there's no such thing as an "out-of-body-experience," that's just silly.

So I unlocked my door and stepped out into the hallway barely lit by the night sky. I still felt strange, so I decided to test myself even more and wake myself up by walking downstairs. From the third floor to the second floor, and from the second floor to the.... third floor to the second floor, and from the second floor to the.... third floor to the second floor, and from the second floor to the.... living room of my old house.

Okay, so there's a glitch or something. I figured my brain was just being super slow in processing things. I'm all the way downstairs in my house.
Then I noticed that the stairs were different, the last time I went down them. Different, but I still knew them. It wasn't until I reached the bottom of the staircase that I realized where I was. And even then, it took a while because

the furniture was different

the set-up wasn't the same

the lights were off

where's the piano?

where's the entertainment center?

I felt the carpet beneath my feet when it struck me:

I'm in my old house. But it looks as if someone else is living here.

I finally blinked and found myself in bed again. I shocked myself awake. I looked around. I felt the cord still wrapped around my arm, my blanket still draped over my shoulders, and my door was still closed. Still locked. I didn't so much as shift, let alone sit up in bed and wander around.

So I was asleep the whole time.

Come on. There's no such thing as an out-of-body experience. At least, none that you can induce yourself. Right?

I had sleep paralysis two more times after that. And two more times, I held onto my awareness and simulated lucid dreams. Both of them were ended when I gave myself a bit of a surprise at seeing my hand or "feeling" a sort of trigger.

In the second one, I brought back Alex. I'm not sure if we had a real conversation or if it was just based on thoughts we exchanged without forming words. But he told me that he left because he had nothing else he could do. He'd done all that he could.

In the third one, I just wanted to be somewhere I felt a familiarity. I ended up riding my bike in the school yard of SCIS.

In my first attempt to achieve this so-called out-of-body experience, I actually sat up in bed without waking up. Was that real, or did I just dream it up, like the other two dreams?

Was I just influenced by reading the article? Maybe I thought I was in control when, "in reality," I wasn't.

I want to know if there's a difference. I want to know what I'm capable of doing.

So I'm going to experiment further.

Tonight.

The last church on Earth

The undead are back again.

Everytime I dream of them, though, it's different, with the most recent episode having played out the other night.

Zombies were now in the water, polluting it with their infected bodies. I panicked because I knew that we were all screwed, as this was a worldwide epidemic. There was nowhere to go to for clean water.

There were three ways to die:

A. Be the victim of a zombie.

B. Drink the water and slowly become infected.

C. Die of dehydration.

With this in mind, I knew that as the survivors began to dwindle, more people would revert/convert to Christianity. In the beginning of the apocalypse, there was still architecture. Funny, but at the same time it wasn't. So we were all going to die -- I thought, Might as well keep myself busy and do my job: serve the people. It kept me sane, and I was sure that I wanted my last project to be a truly meaningful one. For my own sake, if no one else gave a damn.

My self-assigned project was to create a church/sanctuary on the top of a nearby mountain. With no actual solid walls, the space was enclosed by a series of crosses. They were tall enough that they blended in with the surrounding trees, fitting the context of the natural forest while simultaneously bursting through the canopy of leaves. They were all huge crosses, each one at least 50 ft high, but they were to be arranged around an enormous central cross about twice as tall as the rest.

This sanctuary was meant to be seen from everywhere in the valley below, a symbol of hope and a reminder to stay faithful. It was designed to be accessible by foot, greeting weary travellers and refugees at the end of a winding path riddled with hairpin turns... I never thought that zombies would make their way up there.

Construction was never completed.

Funding wasn't the issue, it was the end of the world.

Tons of people volunteered to help out, wholeheartedly praying and working hard with one goal in mind: to finish the project. But one by one, the team fell apart. Some were lost in the woods never to return, a few foolish people drank water from sources they believed to be clean, and yet others were pulled away as the infected began to spread out from the city walls. Whatever happened, in the end only a little more than half of the church was realized, and the grounds were littered with fading shadows of what used to be my crew.

Over time, the iron crosses rusted to match the color of the tree trunks around them, a beautiful design detail that I'd thought to incorporate. Vegetation wrapped around their trunks, adopting them into the family and burying the dead undead out of pity. Even half finished, my design looked like what it was meant to look like.

There they stood for years.

And then they fell in silence.

Imperfect Bride

Last night I dreamt that women would submerge their faces in bowls of scalding hot oil to ruin their features when they got married. This would be part of the rite, which took place the morning after the man and woman became one. It had something to do with keeping other men away from someone's wife.

I was in line waiting to dunk my face in boiling oil. I passed by women who were sitting with their eyes still shut from when they put their face to the liquid. They waited in painful silence to go numb; some of them tried to cry, but couldn't anymore. Others were trying not to scream. And others were probably shivering with piercing hot daggers of pain.

I don't remember doing that to myself. But all of a sudden I was rubbing some type of cream on my face when a man came up to me and talked to me about how clever I was. He came over and started to wipe it off, and all of the blisters and blemishes came off with it. My skin was more radiant than it ever was.

It made me imperfect, dishonorable, and frowned upon.

Backwards Deja Vu

I haven't updated in a long time.

I haven't been dreaming every night since my last update.

But I've been dreaming.

It's getting more and more difficult for me to describe, in words, what I see when I'm asleep. More often, my mind is confusing dreams with reality. Not to the point where I cross the line and my life is suddenly The Science of Sleep (thank God I don't sleepwalk) or Inception (thank God my significant other never committed suicide or framed me), but I've had my moments when I think I'm awake... and I'm not.

I don't know how else to describe the sensation other than calling it a "backwards deja vu"..... I'm so familiar with what's going on, but it never happened. Come to think of it, nothing about these dreams is even normal.

Maybe it's happening because I want it to happen.

I'll try to share a dream sometime tomorrow. I have to get up early, so that means I have to sleep early.

Oh! By the way, I'm studying abroad in Rome for those of you who weren't aware. So even though it says the time is 6:45pm or something, it's really.... 12:45am.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about this blog. :) I'll be back tomorrow night. Ciao!

Past the Paralysis

So while I'm feeling better and I'm mulling over my project, here is one more post for the night.

Yesterday I worked on my computer. Slowly and painfully. I really need to get better at these programs, even as simple as SketchUp.

I gave up after a while because I'd been tired all day, despite catching a few hours of sleep (obviously not enough). I fell asleep around 11 and woke up around 12:30. Worked for a little bit and passed out again, with my arms feeling numb and my legs feeling like I'd been walking all day..... woke up around 4am, worked until 6:30, and gave up for the rest of the night/morning.

Thank God I didn't have to go to work, because I wouldn't have been able to go back to sleep.

So there I was in my bed with my laptop (I wasn't worried about it falling off my bed - I don't move at night when I'm so exhausted), books and papers all around me, half in my pajamas and half in the clothes I'd been wearing all day, with my glasses on my desk and my phone in my hand. I didn't even set my alarm for 10am before I started to lose consciousness.

I was in sleep paralysis mode already and I didn't notice until I heard scratching at my door. I couldn't move. Mere inches of solid mass separated me from something terrifying.

- What is that.....

The scratching grew louder and slightly clearer, as if it passed through the door. I imagined the shadow of a claw slipping underneath the door and turning itself right-side-up.

- Oh, that..... Okay...

I'm so used to creepy, strange noises in my fits of delirium that I wasn't so much phased by this as I was actually trying to study myself....

- And now, I bet.....

Shivers! Up and down my spine, then spreading throughout my entire body -- everywhere! Shivers! ....I felt like I was dying, as this shadow continued to seep into my room filled with light that I hadn't cared to turn off. But I knew it was coming, after all. The Shivers of sleep paralysis are the closest thing I can relate to Death... It feels like seconds, but those seconds are comprised of minutes. Time doesn't make sense.

So I let my body suffer from it while I held on to my awareness. It was fading fast, and I struggled to hang on. It's difficult to do, and tiring in a different way. With my body asleep, my mental exhaustion began to take on a physical sense...still, it wasn't quite the same. It seemed worse.

But I did it. I passed through the first window that always closes before me.

What happened next was completely new to me, after years of trying to get there.

The scratching changed, ever so slightly. The shadow dispersed and faded into the vent, the corners, and cracks.

The scratching turned into a printing machine's voice..

I only saw what was before me -- my hand holding my phone, my room filled with light, my blanket around me... but I heard someone picking up papers from the printer and tapping them on a hard surface to straighten them out.

- What do I do..? ..... .. . . .. Hey.......... .. . . .. hey... . . .. "Hey."

It's all I could do. But it was enough. The woman holding the stack of papers stood still, listening like a deer. I spoke to her and she heard me.

"Hey," I said again.

"What is that? ... Is she talking to me?" I heard her muffled voice, still forming in my head.

And another voice said, "Shh--" but I recognized him already.

"Don't talk, just listen," said Alex.

"But what did she say?"
"Shh!"

I tried to say something else, but the words didn't come out. I couldn't think, so I only repeated myself. This time, it came out in the wrong world.

"Hey," I said to nobody in my room. I could tell the difference. It obviously wasn't in my head that I heard it that time.

Stay still, I told myself. Just a couple of minutes and I'll be back again..

The printing resumed. I tried to talk. But the window closed, and I fell asleep.

An Idea or two (......hundred...)

Last night, I found myself running around outside in the middle of the day with my sister and dad. I knew that something was different, but I couldn't put my finger on it. All I knew was that we were running on a green plain that suddenly became the top of a hill.

I ran ahead when I saw a little stone building. Beyond that, the land fell.

It was a robot cemetery.

Not a junkyard.

However these robots "died," they were reconstructed for their burial.

But they didn't decompose. They were their own tombstones and memorials being slowly covered by vines.

I saw rows upon rows of these robots -- they stretched all the way to the bottom of the hill and beyond, growing into the valley below. The ones at the top of the hill were there first; I could tell by the way they were almost hidden beneath the creeping plants.

All stood silently -- a quiet, strong army of a continuous generation.

I didn't think in words (do I ever?), but if I did, it would translate to this:

Robots have souls..?

They must. ... because of this.

Now that I'm writing about this, I realize that a certain dream motif has come up again: the inevitability of nature's conquest. That no matter how advanced technology gets, nature will continue to run its course. Without maintenance, all that we've achieved can be covered up and reclaimed by the earth, forgotten in time.

I never stopped to think about what that must say about me, though.

Plants usually denote growth, fertility, creativity, or even freedom. The fact that I've dreamt of vines should mean that there's something that wants to get out. It's me wanting to be creative. My thoughts and ideas wrap around and around, entangling with each other and never fully developing or defining themselves. It's a mess, my brain....

I can't say I haven't felt that way about my projects this semester. I know I have good ideas. I know I can create something amazing from them, but something is holding me back.

I wonder what it means to have dreamt of vines over robots..?

And why robots?

P.S. - Don't say I'm being held back by procrastinating (aka writing in my blog), because that's not it. :p

I feel rotten.

Symptoms are coming back, and I don't know what else to do about it other than take Ibuprofen or Advil. It's difficult to focus on schoolwork when pain comes in waves and I find myself trying to time the bouts. There doesn't seem to be a pattern...... although, in more general time spans, I think I can safely say that it gets pretty bad in the cold weather.

Yet I love the fall.

A few nights ago, I fell asleep thinking about this.

I dreamt... that I took off my clothes

and I took off my skin

and underneath all those layers of epidermis and fat was rotten meat, with little snakes and parasites slithering between my muscles.

I feel like that's what I would find if I could tear away at myself. Too-red flesh, riddled with even darker spots here and there, some spots larger than others. Pain comes and goes, coursing through my body in what I can only describe as lines. I'm bruised somewhere inside, even though it doesn't look like it on the exterior.

Something is eating away at me.

Mountain Gem

About a month ago, I had a vivid dream of a massive, heavy building that rose out of the earth.

If seen from the front, it looks like a building.

If seen from the back, it looks like it's part of the mountain on which it stood.

September 10, 2010 __friday____

Me:	last night i dreamt of a student life center that was designed to cut into a hill.
Me:	it was more like a small mountain
Me:	most of the exposed part of the building was made of glass
Me:	there were at least 2 floors to it
Me:	if you looked at the mountain from far away and saw the building, it looked as if it was a diamond set in jewelry
Me:	it was lodged in the mountain, fully grounded and half buried beneath the earth
Matt:	I can actually picture that one pretty well :)
Me:	good, i'm really glad
Me:	it was beautiful
Me:	the floors were designed to blend into the mountain, they were dark brown or gray in color
Me:	the second floor (study rooms) became the awning of some shops or stores on the first floor
Me:	the main area of the building, down on the first floor, was exposed and set at a double height ceiling
Me:	so that the second floor looked more like a shelf
Me:	there may have even been a third floor designed similarly
Me:	and looking from the outside, it looked like the glass facade was there simply to house the shelves carved out of the mountainside
Matt:	:) :)
Me:	at one point in my dream when i was walking around on the second floor looking out, i became lucid and thought, "oh my god, i dreamt this?"
Matt:	hahaha
Me:	but then i fell back into the story that played out..

I remember walking on the second floor of the building, right beside the glass curtain wall that stretched from the floor to the ceiling and reached for each side wall of rock.

I walked away from the window towards the back area (which was blanketed underneath the mountainside). There, further separated into little nooks by bookshelves and other furniture, was a fully furnished and cozy-looking study area. Despite the open floor plan of the entire building and the fact that it was a student life center, the carpeted study was placed in a corner that was away from more distracting noise levels.

Directly beneath me were shops and small cafes that the students could access. In the middle of the building, greeting guests as they walked in through the entrance, was an information desk.

There were at least two entrances: the entrance on the main floor, and one on the second floor. I came in through the second floor entrance, which was more like a big balcony.......

The rest of the program can be figured out based on what I dreamt.... I should sketch it out to see if it makes sense.

Here is what it looked like from the outside.

There may be details missing. Perhaps if I drew it right when I woke up (instead of waiting a month and a half to do so), it would be different. But that is the form that I remember. From another angle, you can see more of what's inside. Meaning, more sketches are to come.

As I stood inside the building in my dream and I looked outside, I could see a town in the valley not far away.... That's when I became lucid and considered staying still for the rest of the dream just to hear my imagination create sounds based on walls and materials that I made up. Yet in these moments, rather than stay lucid and risk waking up, I find myself willingly choose to fall back into the story of the dream. I don't remember what I did for the rest of the time I was there. Only the gem remains in my mind.

Facebook Note 1: At The Park

10.19.2008 __sunday____

I dreamt I was in the van with my family, and Auntie Veron, and Matthew. We were on our way to some amusement park, but it was cold in the back where Matthew and I were, so I went back into the house to get a blue blanket. It took a long time to get to where we were going. I took a nap after I watched us drive away from Lansdowne (if only I remembered the route we took -- I wonder if it really exists -- probably not).

When we got to the park and started walking on the grass, there was the sidewalk that some of us walked on, and then there was a sort of lawn. I was walking on the grass. There was one section marked by a rock -- actually, two, one on each end -- that began to sink underneath me as I walked on it. That's when I remembered.

I dreamt this before.
All of it.
(It must've been one of those dreams that I forgot when I awoke in the morning and left me feeling incomplete)

I jumped away from the hole that was covered by the faux grass... I would've fallen through if I weighed a little more. Or if I walked over the very center of the ditch. I pulled Matthew away, too, and told everyone to walk around.
At that point, a man came up to me and reminded me of the dog. He told me what to do to get away from it, since I couldn't last time. Or maybe I did, with a lot of trouble and time wasted in the dream. In any case, this older man told me to avoid certain areas of the room I was about to enter ("Stay away from the corner by the far doorway"), to stand on some tables, and to make certain movements to make the dog go outside.
I was expecting to see the demonic dog that I dreamt of last time. But when I walked into a nearby house and stood by the doorway of an almost empty, white livingroom, my point of view changed. Through some invisible eye near the ceiling, I saw a dog enter the room. I saw my shadow by the door across the room. Instead of seeing the same dog, this one was smaller. It was a puppy, the younger version of the same animal. He still attempted to be vicious, and I didn't do anything less than what the man told me, but I wasn't nearly as scared as I was before. Soon enough, the puppy sprinted out of the room, and the tension followed it. I followed, as well. Back outside, my family was still standing around, but they were playing with the puppy, who was now free of all malevolence. They didn't understand how the room affected him, and how dangerous he would've been if he was fully grown. I couldn't tell them this happened before, in a different time. (But the man knew....)

The scene changed, but we were in the same general area. I was inside some building with Matthew -- everyone else was somewhere around us, but not important at the time. We sat by a pool, the walls around us bricks.... The pool walls themselves were painted a dark red to match the rest of the wide room. I don't remember what I was wearing, or what everyone else around me was wearing. But I was thinking of going into the water -- the water that looked like clear blood now.
Matthew sat on the edge, one leg dangling into the pool, the other along the edge. It was in a cast, starting from his knee going all the way down to his foot -- or where his foot would've been. There was a stub there in its place, with a nail in the middle.....
He said to me, "Just take it off.....please..."
I don't remember hearing myself say anything, but I had the idea in my head that I told him I couldn't. I wouldn't. The doctor tried so hard to help, and it was working. Really.
"There's nothing. good. about this," he continued, "I don't know what you mean. ....what miracle...."
He could've lost his entire leg....
I was standing behind him by this point. All of a sudden, the doctor showed up next to me.
The water in the pool was gone.
And Matthew started to cry.

The scene changed again. Again, same general area.
I definitely remember dreaming of this part of the park or wherever we were... several times.
So let's go back to one of my past dreams.

It's difficult to explain the scenery, I'd have to draw it for you. (Maybe I will sometime.....)
Imagine standing on a boardwalk by a vast lake, containing nothing but crystal clear water and rocks covered in blue-green algae.
Now imagine a sort of structure about one football field's length away, the structure itself being around that length as well. It looks like it could be a really long bird watching tower... but I don't really know how to describe it, because that's not what it is. It's made of steel. There's a platform at the top that juts out of the right side, and has ladders extening downward from it, not really reaching anywhere.. They kind of just hang there. The middle part of the structure is mostly a sort of roof. The only way to get across is to balance on a pole, or a very thin platform.. and hold on to a pole above your head. On the other side of the structure is yet another platform, but instead of being on the top, it's on the bottom so that people can walk on it. And there are ladders going up this time, leading to a second floor that juts out towards the viewer on the boardwalk.

The first time I dreamt of this, I was walking along the edge of the lake. But instead of having a shore, there's a cliff. I was walking along there, below the boardwalk, in the direction of a town even farther below, just above the water. Everything was on stilts, and the sky was gray with clouds. I actually entered this little town, and somehow got myself over to the structure in the lake. I even walked across the plank and held onto the bar above my head. And I could see across to the other side of the lake, and saw the shore there....

This time, in last night's dream, I was with Matthew on the boardwalk, the sky was clear of clouds, and there were people on the tower-thing. Matt didn't have a cast on his leg anymore; he was fine. It never happened. Again, my family was nowhere to be seen. I told him, "Do you see that?"
"Of course I do... Why?"
"Just making sure you see it...." Then I added,"I dreamt of this before, but last time --"
"-- What?" he interrupted.
".....Nothing."
Then, luckily, I noticed a girl walking along the plank, with her hands above her head. She was in the shadows, and all I could see was her steady silhouette. I pointed her out to Matthew, who joined me in watching her...
As she came out of the shadows, her golden hair shining in the light, I saw that her hands weren't grasping the horizontal pole to steady herself. She was just balancing. I called out, "She's going to fall! Oh my god..."
I was watching the rocks below....The girl looked too high above the water.. The water looked too shallow.
And so she lost her balance.

She fell into the water, and as I gasped, everyone around me turned to watch. The other teenagers climbing all over the structure stopped. Along the cliffs, there were some people who were planning on diving into the deeper parts -- but still dangerous... Everyone watched as she fell into the water. I waited for a line of blood to rise up and color the lake, but she kept falling. She stopped moving finally, and still didn't hit the bottom -- the rocks were farther below than I thought.
But she began to convulse a little, from lack of oxygen. She pushed herself upwards as fast as she could, but was very weak from losing her orietation. ...She reached the surface, though, and caught her breath.
She couldn't tread water very well. She fell beneath the surface again and began sinking, but brought herself up the same way. Nobody moved from where they were. The girl clumsily swam over to the boardwalk, but I lost sight of her as she neared the cliffs. Everyone around started laughing at her, and surprisingly, she laughed with them.

The scene changed. Same place.
To the left of the structure, on land, the boardwalk extended.... At the end of the boardwalk, there was pretty much nothing. At the same time, there was.
I dreamt of this before, as well.

In my first dream of this place, I stood on the edge of the boardwalk, which simply ended and had no destination. Ahead was sand, mixed with an array of trash and dead things. In the middle of all of it, straight ahead, was a scarecrow.
I was curious and wanted to get a better look at it -- I could barely see what it looked like, or how it was positioned. From what I could see, the scarecrow seemed to sit on an extremely high seat instead of standing up straight, leaning on a pole.
Curioser and curioser.
I stepped down from the safety of the boardwalk.
In doing so, I thought I saw the scarecrow's leg slip down a little, but at the same time a crow flew by with something in its mouth, so I figured it just moved the leg. I continued to walk over, and I remember my sisters were nearby, still on the boardwalk. I don't remember if they said anything to me.
I stepped over dead bodies. A cat. A mouse. Maybe that one thing was a person at one point. There was litter everywhere. But everything, for the most part, had lost its color in the sun and now blended in nicely with the sand around it. I made my way over to the chair upon which the scarecrow sat, but before I could get close enough to see his face, I saw bones jutting out from his ragged clothes. The almost-skeleton held on to the seat of the chair as he dropped himself down. To my level.
I was still a few feet off. He began to adjust his legs and dusted himself off. Then he looked at me and made a coughing sound. But it was rhythmic, and he moved slowly to the beat of it. It wasn't coughing, but I don't know how else to describe it.
He ran towards me.
But as he did, he did a sort of terrifying dance, making movements with his hands, scooping up the air as if he drew his energy and life from all that was around him.
I ran.
I stumbled over every dead thing that lay in my way, but I ran.
He was so fast, though... as all things are in chasing dreams.
I climbed up onto the boardwalk, where my sisters were waiting for me. The scarecrow was right behind me and almost grabbed my leg. But as I turned around, I saw he stood just in front of the boardwalk... Right in front of my feet. He screeched and paced back and forth. He circled me and my sisters. He stepped over bones and kicked dead bodies and sand.
Then he walked away and sat on his throne again. Facing me.

In last night's dream, I saw that Matthew wanted to walk on the boardwalk and see what it led to, since it was so long. We walked past the structure, past all the people laughing and having fun. Then it was only sand. And I saw lumps in the sand. And I saw a shadow in the distance. I could almost hear the beat of the scarecrow's song...I turned around and told Matthew to follow me back. He did, and the coughing noise subsided.

Last part of my dream. Same area.
We were inside another building, on an elevator. Again, it was just me and Matthew going around. As we got on the elevator, we were headed down to the main floor, which had nothing in it. The elevator itself didn't really have a door that closed; it was simply an open space, and you could see the floors you passed. He kissed me.. and then pressed several floor buttons. 9, 4, 1, 7.
There were other people on the elevator with us. A woman made announcements over the loudspeaker, such as, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the main floor. I hope you have enjoyed your stay at ______." (Sadly, I don't remember where we were...)
When Matthew pressed the buttons, the elevator changed its course and ascended to the 9th floor. There was nothing there but beams that supported the building. As we all moved upwards, the woman said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very sorry for the inconvenience. This floor is no longer in use and has been completely erased. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Next floor, 7."
It was the same for floor 7.
There was a 4th floor, but we didn't get off. No one did. It was just a long hallway with a vent at the end -- possibly a portal into another dream.
As we passed, there was no 3rd floor. There was no 2nd floor, either.
We reached the first floor.
I don't remember what it was.
I woke up.

Xanga Post 25: Outside in a Dream

I have finally reached the end of my Xanga posts concerning dreams! Considering how much I like to write, it's ironic that it consists of only one sentence.

1.27.2007 __saturday____
I had a dream last night that I was watching myself sleep.

That's all it was. For however many hours I was asleep, that's all I remember seeing. Time was so incredibly slow...(or, perhaps more likely, I dreamt of other things but didn't remember them).

I can't say the same for everyone else, but I don't like hearing my voice. I don't like seeing my face from certain angles in pictures or videos. I don't like a lot of things about my physical appearance. Why did I dream of seeing myself?

Well, it's probably because I fell asleep thinking about ghosts or something, honestly.

I stood by my door. Very faintly, I could feel my own blanket surrounding me. I felt a cool breeze kissing my neck as I stood, in tandem with some undefined warmth that happened to be my pillow. And my arm wasn't really hanging limply by my side, but was underneath me, pressing into the mattress. There I stood. But there I slept.

Something about seeing myself curled up in bed that made me realize that I'm just a person. Whether it was just a dream or another strange phenomenon (because dreams are pretty strange), I wasn't that concerned about it. I was focused too much on just looking at this girl. My own self was nowhere to be detected; I was a complete outsider.

It's so damn difficult to describe what it feels like to be in two places at once; to confuse the physical with the imaginary. To me, it's become such a cliche topic... I'm not sure who actually understands it. I'm still not sure if I understand it. At night, feeling or doing multiple things simultaneously doesn't confuse or fluster me. But if I try to recall the same thing in the middle of the day......it's impossible. Yet I have trouble keeping track of events....

So many times during the day, I have to actually ask myself if I did something or not. Simple things remind me of something I dreamt years ago, and I'm left with a sense of nostalgia that I can't shake.

Whether or not you can relate to this kind of experience isn't really the question, though. Because you will never be able to fully relate to me.

I'm not trying to sound like a downer; that's just how it is.

So I dreamt of myself and now I'm talking about it. So what?

Well....this blog is partially pointless because of the fact that it's too personal. It's definitely not one of those blogs that everyone can read and say, "Oh, yeah, that's happened to me before."

That's not what I wanted. This wasn't made for everyone to relate to so easily.... But on certain levels, you can relate. You have to think about it.

At least I'm giving you examples of different types of dreams that you might have had.... And at least I'm offering some insight or letting you see things in a different way..... right? (maybe not. but I hope I am.)

While I am always interested in hearing about others' dreams and am more than willing to talk about them when asked -- I can't fully interpret them for you. There's an unlimited amount of creativity that the mind can offer. There is also an endless supply of interpretations that each dream can give.

It's what you wake up feeling that makes it meaningful.

It's what you get from it years later that can help define who you are.