Xanga Post 22: Closed vs. Open

7.17.2006 __monday____
Last night, I had such a lucid dream...! I knew I was dreaming, and I could restart whenever I wanted to. I was in a white building (it said "golf" on the entrance. ... haha) with some friends. It's like I was giving them a hidden tour, and I was their guide to travelling into a different world.. We went into rooms until we were so far into the building that nobody could find us. I remember walking down a white hallway and opening a white door to reveal a room where everything defies gravity. There was a ledge we walked on in the room, leading to the left, to another door. Then another hallway.. turn right, go through the door. Make another right, open the door hidden to your left. Go straight across the room and through that door. One more left turn, and we were there. But where were we? Everytime we walked through the door, I always thought of something I forgot to do, and so I started the dream over again. Then I could feel myself waking up, and I couldn't keep myself asleep. I did wake up, but then I made myself fall asleep again. Still, I didn't get to see what was at the end (if that was the end).

I used to try to remember how I moved through spaces in my dreams. As if I could recreate them again. I don't even remember what the place looked like, anymore. At least, not right now. Maybe in a few years it'll come to me....

I know better, now. I've learned since then that there's so much more to pay attention to than simply where I go.

But it's interesting to note the circulation path that can be mapped, based on my description. I could have easily dreamt of an overlapping path that leads to different rooms instead of the same room, creating a nonsensical, impossible setting. I could have travelled up or down stairs, taken an elevator and created an entire other level to explore.
When I dreamt this, I was all too aware of the places I wasn't experiencing. There were doors that I skipped. There were too many walls. There were so many closed spaces. Everything was seemingly private, hidden, or off limits.

There weren't even any windows. I have no idea what the outside world looked like.

In my own dream, I felt somewhat......unwelcome. But that's what happens when everything is hidden from view, leaving one surrounded by walls, floors, and ceilings. Virtually, the structure becomes a labyrinth.
Thus, open floor plans and windows are often necessary to encourage a good, healthy, welcoming atmosphere.

It was quite an adventure.

Xanga Post 21: Time of the Demon

This painting creates a pretty accurate depiction of what sleep paralysis is like, for those who have never experienced it. It literally feels like a demon is sitting on you. Or near you. The feelings of fear and vulnerability are heightened to begin with, and they are only worsened once you realize you can't physically move anything.

4.7.2006 __friday____

I fell asleep on books last night. Four. With my glasses still on. I had a dream that I woke up and fixed the books I fell asleep on and took off my glasses. I fixed my journals too because they were all crooked. I looked at the clock and it was 7:06 and I thought it said 666 (it would, if the clock went past 60 minutes). So I looked outside my window and saw a sunset, but it was really a sunrise. I felt something watching me from my floor, and I heard some kind of crackling noise, but I refused to look down and instead wrapped myself in my blankets and went back to sleep. Except I never really woke up in the first place. I thought I was awake.. But I wasn't scared. I was just like, "Oh, okay.." Then I *really* woke up at 7:30-something -- Anjel would be leaving for school soon. I still had my glasses on, and the books were still on my bed. My journals were still leaning on each other. But all I did was take off my glasses and go back to sleep. I woke up again to see the clock's numbers flicker to 9:11. It's cloudy outside.

I don't really know what to call this phenomenon.

It's not sleep paralysis, because I was completely asleep. I was dreaming.
It's not a lucid dream, because I wasn't aware that I was dreaming. I thought I was awake.
What is it? I have a feeling I know what it's called, but I can't think of it right now. It's like a combination of both.

I get it all the time. Very frequently when I'm exhausted.

When I'm stressed and overly tired, I sometimes get all three in sequence.
Sleep paralysis is the worst, though, because it tires me out even more. When I finally get out of it, I can feel how much effort I put into concentrating on moving my body, even if it's just my arm.

I like the fact that I make notes of little things like the time.
People often say that if you want to test yourself in a dream or reach a level of lucidity, you should look at your hands or look at a clock. If you notice the time is wrong or it doesn't make sense, and if you can hold on to your thought, you can become lucid.
For me, it is the opposite most of the time. Once I notice something is off, I can't hold on to the dream anymore, and I wake up. That's my biggest problem with lucid dreaming; it always has been.

Although, I do notice little things like how 7:06 is the same as 6:66... The time of the demon (unless, of course, it's your Kairos time...)

When I look out my window, I can see neither the sunset nor the sunrise. From my bed, looking out my window, I don't face those directions; it's more south or southwest. But when I dreamt of seeing the sun outside, it seemed normal enough.
But remembering the dream now, the shadows weren't consistent with the sun. They were in their normal places, as if the sun was in the right place (or, rather, as if the house was oriented correctly).

And the sun didn't produce any glare... It was just... in the sky.

That's pretty creepy.

Meanwhile, there was that thing sitting on the floor. It's always there when I have sleep paralysis or some crazy dream like that, where I think I'm awake.
Some shadow prowls my floor at night, darker than the shadows already ruling the rest of my room. It makes a crackling noise, like a dying fire calling for more fuel.

It waits for me to fall asleep with my immobilized arm to hang off of the bed so that it can grab me...because it can't climb up. But I'm waiting for it to learn one night. I expect to feel a weight on my legs, pushing the threads of my blanket against my skin.

I can't do anything. So I will wait.

Xanga Post 20: Part III - Lost and Found

Since I moved back to school, I haven't slept through one night without dreaming something. Even when I stayed up in studio until 7:30 in the morning and came back only to sleep for an hour and a half, I dreamt....

I just haven't been writing them down, which is pretty bad. This is week 3 already that I haven't recorded my dreams. But it's completely my fault. I should have enough time in the morning to write them down, I just........don't.

Hey, look! It's 2006! Yaaaay...

1.20.2006 __wednesday____
Well, my dream the other night kind of scared me. But then there was another part that comforted me. In the first part, to sum it up, I dreamt people were dying. It's not like people were falling down dead left and right, but I dreamt that there were so many deaths during 2006. In one part, I was in Art, when Carp ran out of the room, and ran back in a few minutes later. She said that a Prendie girl died just then. I hope this doesn't mean anything.

Well, in the second part of the dream, I was getting ready to run away. Even though the halls were crowded with people that you could barely walk past them, I felt like everyone was disappearing (the halls were filled with boys and girls alike, as if Prendie and Bonner were merged or something). So I turned around to walk in the opposite direction and leave somewhere. But as I was turning, I saw someone in particular, in the corner of my eye. And I kind of wanted him to stop me. So I turned a little slower, and I saw him follow me. I started walking faster and faster, until I was eventually running. I kept half-turning around just so that I could still see his white shirt some distance behind me. I wanted to test him, to see if he would really want to stop me and keep me from running away. I ended up going in a circle and ending up back where I was in the first place, by the vending machines in the basement floor. ... I stopped and knew he stopped behind me. But when I turned around and saw him, he acted like he wasn't trying to catch up with me. He was determined not to look at me. He looked around like he stopped to look for someone else. But I kept watching him. When we made eye contact, he knew that I knew. So he gave me a big hug. I think I ended the dream by crying because he was the only one who went after me. And I was so grateful.

In my second year of high school, it seemed like there was tragedy after tragedy among the Prendie family. My friend's father passed away, and so did a teacher. I think sometime after I had this dream, there was news of another student who passed away. Or maybe she was in the hospital. I don't really remember, I tried to move on.

January and February were difficult months to get through for everyone. The beginning of 2006 started off on a sad note...

When I dreamt this, I must have felt alone. I never was, but for some reason I walked around the halls of Prendie feeling like I was the only one who was really thinking about the events that were taking place. Of course I wasn't the only one. I certainly wasn't among those who were most affected by it. Those people are stronger than I am, and I admire them for their optimism.

In my dream, the halls of my school were like a maze. I knew where things went, yet there was a part of me that was worried I would get lost somewhere. Not that I knew where I was going off to. But I had a sense that anything was possible. The best or the worst.

Both happened, whether it be coincidence or insightful.

I was alone.

But someone found me. I actually woke up feeling like I kept him with me; like I woke up with company.

Xanga Post 20: Part II - Can You Tell?

12.28.2005 __wednesday____

In last night's dream, I kept switching from St. Clement's to Prendie. I was in my Prendie uniform, and I was in high school. But I was in St. Clement's schoolyard. I was leaving school and walked around the building and ended up on a corner of Prendie. And I had a bike with me, and I knew it was a Bonner bike, but it was black. So I parked it by a tree and went around to the side entrance of Prendie that everyone goes through in the morning.. And I was looking for Kara, but there were so many people there. And there was a boy who goes to Bonner, who always steals Kara's hat. And I thought I saw him, but when he turned around, it was just another stranger. So I went back and ended up again in St. Clement's schoolyard. And people were supposed to be here, but it was completely empty except for some teachers who were playing with students, an old man on the "8th grade steps", and a truck in the middle of the schoolyard, with another man behind the wheel. I sat on the steps and stared at the gates, until everything got quiet. And then I heard singing (I could almost remember the tune when I woke up, but I forgot it). A girl in a Prendie uniform (not the ones we wear) came next to me and sat down, and I asked her if she heard it. So she said yes and sang it. And she told me it was coming from Narnia. Haha.
Then I got up from the steps and was in front of Prendie's auditorium again. I walked home, but then hours later I remembered I left my bike by the tree. So I got my shoes on, but I couldn't tie my shoelaces. It was already getting dark outside, and I didn't want to go get it, but I had to. As I walked out of the door, I heard Evie say, "I wonder how long it's going to take her to get her bike back."

Nearing the end of my summer vacation this year, I decided to go driving around my neighborhood with my little sister after picking her up from a party. It was dusk when we got to my old house and talked with old friends, people I haven't seen in over 5 years. It was high time we caught up with each other in person rather than on Facebook.

After that, we drove to our grade school and walked around the parking lot. We tried to go inside the now-Baptist church, but couldn't get in.

I looked around me and saw the school yard where we used to play.

I went to that school for 9 years....
It's no surprise that I can subconsciously recreate every little detail in my dreams, down to the sunken feeling of steps where they were worn from so much use.
Standing in the parking lot that night, I felt the same way I feel in my grade-school-setting dreams: vulnerable, nostalgic, familiar yet foreign.... It was a bit surreal to be standing there.
Actually, the whole experience of setting foot on such places was refreshing and almost too much for me. Whenever I go around my old neighborhood, I pretty much just drive around to enjoy seeing things I grew up with. I never got out of the car to walk around since I left; that was the first time since 2004.

But anyway. About this dream.

In December of 2005, I was a Sophomore. Just from reading this Xanga post, I can tell that I was still going through a transition from one place to another. It was as if I was trying to decide which one I belonged to then. In the end, I seem to have felt resigned.

"I go to Prendie now...."

At the same time, I think I came to a subtle realization that I can belong to both.
And now at college, I can add yet another school to the list.

I read somewhere, before, that if you dream of the school you attended as a child, it means that some problem from your past is overshadowing the present.
Maybe if you had bad experiences at school and associate one with the other, sure.
But what if you loved your school as I did?
Or what if your grade school closed and you graduated as the last class with the heavy reminder that you can never go back, even to visit? That could be the whole reason I've never stopped dreaming of roaming the halls. I can't go back in real life, so I'll just live in my memories and build new ones.

I do miss it. The real thing.

Xanga Post 20: Part I - Familiar Creation

12.28.2005 __wednesday____

I had a freaky dream about a Halloween parade, a few nights ago. I must've told everyone about it, but here it is again. I was thinking the day before, that there's a Christmas parade, and a Thanksgiving parade, but there's nothing for Halloween - but that's probably a good thing. So I fell asleep and had a dream about a bunch of kids who were dressed like zombies and ghosts - and they weren't just like trick-or-treat costumes, they were really good costumes.. they looked real, and the kids played their parts well, so they scared me. And instead of a parade, they went from house to house like they were carolling, except they were whispering rhymes about death or something. And I watched from my bedroom window and saw a little girl demon look up at me and smile. (I always dream about little kids smiling like devils - I think I make that up in my head) So I backed away from the window, but she moved back, too, so that she could still see me. Then they got on a train and moved on to the next destination. I got on the next train, although I didn't want to. And I ended up going in a tunnel that I always pass through in dreams when I travel. And then there was the same highway, with the bridge going in a spiral up and up. But I was still in a train.

I think this dream shows how much I scare myself. Halloween is fun and all, but I'll stay away from scary movies and "haunted house" tours most of the time. I don't want any more ideas in my head.

When I'm in a car or on a train in a dream, I always end up going through a tunnel at some point. Actually, just a week ago, my dream began when I emerged from a tunnel through a mountain, and ahead of me were bridges, overpasses, highways crossing over each other, all sensibly structured -- or at least they appeared to be. Traffic was going every which way, and I was moving at almost 80 mph in a narrow, 3-lane highway. And then the car crash happened....

Familiarity is a common feeling I get when I'm asleep. It's even more prominent when I wake up.
"I know this smile," or "I know this place."
In retrospect, that's probably what led me to believe that all my dreams are a story unfolding throughout my life. The basic idea of themes weaving in and out of separate night images stirs my imagination and makes me want to learn more. It's strange to think about, because these themes are only coming and going because of my curiosity. I am writing my own dreams without really meaning to or wanting to. I just want to be an observer, although I can't help but create what I observe.
That's really where the feeling of knowing comes from.
"I know this place" -- but only because I just made it up.
"I know what's going to happen" -- but that's really just my mind barely catching up with the creative process.

When I saw Inception for the first time, I was surprised at how spot-on Christopher Nolan was in integrating all these details of dreams: the interweaving themes and sentences, the concept of no architectural boundaries or rules, the complexities of lucidity and structure....

I'm getting closer and closer to grabbing the tail of my subconscious creativity. Maybe I was always like that, and I just misunderstood it.

I told you before, I used to think The River was a real place.
I also wrote in a previous post that things are only as real as you make them out to be. It just so happened that my senses were so much sharper in those dreams than they usually are in real life.

Xanga Post 19: Listlessness

12.4.2005 __sunday____
In my dream a few days ago, I was walking somewhere, barefoot. And when I looked at the soles of my feet, I saw small worms that were going into my skin, like parasites. These are the same kind of worms that are in the river in my other dream.

Do you ever wake up feeling like you've missed something? Missed something, or forgotten about it?
It's like a backwards deja vu....

All too often, I wake up feeling like I left some part of myself behind. Sometimes, I go through an entire day (or week) feeling listless. Today was one of those days; I've been zoning out a lot.

More about this particular dream, though:
It felt so gross when I dreamt it. I remember seeing my skin being stretched, or folding around the edges where the worms were biting into me. I felt like everywhere I walked, I left a mark of myself being consumed by these parasites.

My brain likes to take metaphors, sayings, or analogies and manifest them into "physical" things.

Xanga Post 18: Analysis, Take One

11.14.2005 __monday____

i dreamt that mom and i were walking along a street during a windy (but warm) day. the sky was gray - it looked like a storm was approaching. we held a conversation, something about picking up anjel.. and then mom left me to go inside a building surrounded by tall, trimmed bushes. i walked around the block and moved out of the way as a police car and ambulance drove on the sidewalk to avoid the traffic. when i turned around, i saw mom walking anjel out of the building, so i ran up to hug her. and then i noticed a small girl was running around, but she said nothing to us. instead, she ran inside another building nearby.. that's when i noticed that the roofs of all the buildings around us were missing. and the sky was gray not only because of rain clouds, but more because of the smoke. a helicopter flew close to the ground - and then a man poked his head out of the side and yelled, "There's one down there!" they landed somewhere behind the buildings and bushes and got the small girl. and then another part of my dream started - i was at a shore with my mom and anjel. but this time, matt hales from aqualung was there, too (whaaat... lol i think i fell asleep listening to aqualung that night). the sky was still gray, and there was no tide or current in the water. i took a soap bar and saw that there was a black spider on it. it spoke to me, even though it was partially crushed, and said, "be careful. there's more around that you just don't see." so... i flicked it off the soap bar and began washing myself in the still water.

I don't remember this dream at all. Nothing about it rings a bell.
It's times like this when I love myself for writing them down in the first place, haha.

Okay. Well, first of all, buildings and landscape architecture -- there is a certain type of architecture I can imagine myself dreaming, because it's featured every now and then.
Topiary gardens and white buildings go hand in hand, for me. What does it mean?

I dunno, let's think something up and see if it makes sense.

My friend gave me an awesome birthday present when I was in high school: a dream encyclopedia. While I prefer to analyze my own dreams without the use of a book, sometimes I like to look up key words to give me ideas of what things might (or might not) mean. This book, 20,000 Dreams, written by Mary Summer Rain (of course she put together a dream encyclopedia), is the best encyclopedia I've ever seen. It's broken up into 30 different categories, including Botanicals; Jobs & Professions; Buildings & Architecture; Popular Dream Characters..... and every category is broken up into sub-categories, like Herbs; Aviation; Windows; Egyptian Mythology.....It has SO many key words, from "aardvark" to "zymometer." .... Nikola Tesla is in here. Who does that?

Mary Summer Rain does, that's who.
You know who's not in this book? THOMAS EDISON.

.....Tesla is in the Popular Dream Characters section (is he that popular?), under the subcategory of Historical Personages & Characters.
Rain writes, "Tesla (Nikola) is a representation of a comprehension of a few elements comprising true reality" (pg. 366). Hmm. Not as straight-forward/typical as a lot of other characters or key words in general, but all right. Reading that description, I automatically think that this sort of thing would take place:

Me: Omg I'm dreaming? This isn't real! *lucid*
*Nikola Tesla walks by*
Me: Yusss....

Moving on...
She says that to dream of a topiary garden "warns against attempting to personally shape one's reality" (43). I assume that if I told her my dreams, Spring Downpour -- I mean, Summer Rain -- would tell me that I shouldn't lose sight of other possibilities in my life. Or something along those lines.

Maybe that's what it means.
Or maybe it means that I'm reading too much into my dreams and that if I keep this up, I will eventually lose myself and try to bring my dreams into reality. How's that for being deep?

That having been said, I'm going to go right ahead and keep reading into this particular dream........and the rest of the 3,000 I've ever written down....

*cough* Yes? What? ...what happened...?

The more general term, "garden," is described as constituting "spiritual blessings and talents. What condition was the dream garden in?" (43)
That's another thing I like about this book. Rain encourages the dreamer to think for herself. In the very beginning of the book, she explains to the reader how to best analyze dreams, enforcing what I've always thought to be true: you are your best bet at figuring out what your dream means, simply because it's personal. Analysis takes one.

What do the gardens look like in my dreams? Like they do in real life - not perfect when you look closely, but still beautiful. I do like to think that accurately describes my blessings and talents, but I'll leave that up to you to decide.

And the building...?
It's usually white. I think you can figure out what white represents.
In terms of style of architecture, it's closest to Art Deco, with some sort of Classical influence. Just think of something very geometric and simple overall, but with columns and other, smaller motifs that shape the building in a subtle manner.

"Art Deco symbolizes a nonconformist or nonconforming attitude, idea, or behavior" (308).
Honestly, I wouldn't go so far as to say I am a nonconformist in anything. I think I was just.......designing in my sleep.
Surprisingly, nothing about Roman/Greek/Classical architecture is to be found in here. But that kind of style is ancient, which might say something about me or what I think of myself. Then again, it is also common for anyone to think about that type of design when architecture comes up as a subject, so perhaps it has no meaning.

I was curious, so I did a bit of research on the author. I'm sure you want to know too, right? :p
Mary Summer Rain apparently wrote a bunch of books about what she learned from a blind Chippewa woman named No-Eyes..................of course her name is Summer Rain.
What happened was this:

Mary was trying to get her first book published, but kept failing. Her family was planning on moving, and they were trying to decide where to go. One night, she had a dream that she went to Colorado because she had "important work to do there." Oooh. So what happened? She and her family moved to Colorado.
What was that about not trying to shape one's reality?
Anyway. She allegedly went driving around when she was rejected once again for being published, parked in the middle of nowhere, and went wandering in the woods until she sat down on a comfy rock. And then she met No-Eyes.

x]

Well, despite all of that (all. of that), I still enjoy this encyclopedia.

I leave you with this reminder from her:
"Dreams are not random images; one can gain insights into the issues in one's life through dream symbols."

Xanga Post 17: On Auditory Hallucinations

11.7.2005 __monday_____

i had that thing that i always get - when i'm falling asleep, i can hear voices. i'm going crazy! but really. i think i make up different voices in my head or something. but it's scary, because i don't even expect them to come to me, i just hear them and they surprise me. one time, i was falling asleep, and then i kept hearing a man's voice telling me to go downstairs to open the door. it told me to check that it was locked, because it thought the door was open. so i was kind of scared that it was unlocked. and i went downstairs to make sure it was locked. that was around 11 p.m. what is wrong with me??? last night i heard an old man's voice saying something about.. carrots? i think i fell asleep laughing. so. yeah. for future reference.. if anyone ever sleeps over and you hear me laughing, and you pretty much know i'm not asleep yet, i'm hearing things. it doesn't mean i can't hear anyone else, though. it's just that i know it's in my head.

I don't know when this started, but obviously I was less than 15 years old.
At first, it was freaky and I thought it was a ghost for a while. Then, I was kind of amused at myself (carrots?). By now, I'm used to it.

There are a number of things I hear at night that wake me up to certain degrees. Sometimes I can keep my eyes closed, stay still, and continue to listen (I tried to carry the conversation further, but then I was so conscious of the fact that it was in my head that I just actively made up the rest of it). There are louder voices that cause me to stare wide-eyed at the ceiling when they come to me suddenly. After a few seconds of lying rigid in my bed, I allow myself to relax and shift positions, hoping to shake myself out of that state.

And then there are the things I hear that make me sit up in bed, gasping for air. Screams, threats whispered in my ear, or some incoherent yelling. One night, I swear I heard someone ringing a bell at the foot of the stairs. More recently, I heard knocking on my door. Both times, I stat up in bed a little freaked out, pressing my fingers to my ears again and again. When the noise subsided and I gathered enough courage to open my door, I flew down the stairs and asked mom if she was the one doing it, or if anyone else was.
Of course no one did it, it was just in my head.

The ones that make me sit up in bed are the most convincing. Usually, I can tell that what I'm hearing isn't resounding in the room....but that's really my only way of discerning auditory hallucinations. Otherwise, I have to actually ask someone if they heard it, too (e.g., "Do you hear that music...?" "Yes, someone's playing it outside.").
And, yes, I do sometimes hear unfamiliar music in my head.

Last night as I was falling asleep, this man's voice gradually grew loud enough for me to hear clearly. It started out the way these voices normally begin: with my name.

Stephanie...?
It sounded like it came from a walkie-talkie next to my ear; I know I heard a young man's voice being somewhat muffled and distorted with cracks in the sound. I stayed still.
Stephanie......*crack*.........I can't [inaudible]..............
What....? I rolled onto my back and thought it was over because I moved, but then--
--4:55, look. Just listen. . ..........*crack*.................Can't tell, but Stephanie -- can you hear me?
I opened my eyes and lay silently. I didn't say anything, but breathed deeply and shook my head hard. It was time for me to go to sleep. Just ignore it.
LISTEN.

It was so loud, but so far away. Stop it! But again,
It's almost time. [inaudible] 4:55................ When you're in the field, then [inaudible] the house......and.........
I promptly sat up in bed and started fixing my blanket. Anything to hear real noises. But it went on for maybe 20 minutes, the young man repeating his message that I couldn't make out. He sounded frantic.
Stephanie...?

When I finally fell asleep, I woke up into a dream.
I was standing in the middle of a field.

But that's all I remember.

Things I hear at night are most distressing when they sound convincing, are persistent, and send me messages (like the other voice in 2005 that told me to check the door to make sure it's locked) ----

because I am afraid that I will always heed those messages and try to carry out the tasks for curiosity's sake....

Xanga Post 16: Part II - The Looks of Evil

I don't know who's actually reading what I post (other than the few who have told me), and I haven't been getting comments lately. So while I have visitors, perhaps it's "too long" and no one really wants to read it.

Because people prefer things like Tumblr....

I don't really know how to condense what I want to say, though.

I already did Part I, so I took out the first part of the original Xanga entry.

9.4.2005 __sunday____

last night's dream was different. i had two, actually. in the first one, all my 8th grade friends and classmates were there. we were having a party. a dance, a ball. we had to dress formally; the girls wore gowns and the guys wore suits - tuxedos, if they wanted. they were all waltzing and dancing (very well choreographed, might i add.. lol). i saw my friends with their boyfriends and girlfriends before they broke up, having a great time. i was on the side watching them, watching people arriving and meeting and greeting each other. i saw someone on my left looking my way, but i thought he was looking for someone past me. so i got up and started to leave - until he took my hand and turned me around to say hi. it was .... i didn't see him for so long. he was one of the few who chose to come in a tuxedo. he extended his hand for a handshake, but i hugged him instead. :) so he patted my head and hugged me back. lol
i told him to wait because i had to take care of something upstairs (the party was in what was my house in the dream. the room was wide and it was dark, so it reminded me of the castle in the previous dream), so i left him there. i had to fix things in my room, check my cell phone for messages from people trying to find their way to the party.. and i could hear his thoughts, "i want to dance with her." so i hurried to organize things. but when i went back downstairs, i couldn't find him anywhere. he left.
and then i saw my other friend, ..... he talked to me for a while, and i thought we were going to dance. but then someone else called me and i asked him to wait there for me. i was engaged in another conversation, and when i returned, he was dancing with someone.
when i was so sure i would be bored to death at this party, someone came up to me and sat down beside me. he started to talk to me and make me laugh, and then he asked me to dance with him. i said yes, but at the same time someone bumped into me and spilled her drink on a small part of my gown. so i looked at him and he said he'd wait for me while i went to clean it. it took such a long time to get it out, i was so sure he'd left to dance with someone else, but when i came back he was still standing in the same spot i'd left him.


but i don't know what he looked like. :-\ (you can start laughing now)


eh.. this entry's become longer than i expected. that second dream doesn't really matter, i guess. it's just all deja vu of another dream. and me feeling like i'm in trouble because i'm trapped in a prison cell with two other people and the doorknob has a keyhole (don't know why) and i have a key when i'm not supposed to and the guard knows i have it when he looks inside sees me try to put it in my pocket, so he smiles dangerously at me as if he'll kill me if i come out. it was scary because when i opened it for the first time, there was nobody there. but when i tried to close the door and was about to put the key into the keyhole, i couldn't get it in there. i wasn't quick enough! and then i heard footsteps coming my way so i jammed it in there but then the guard was starting to open the door and it was opening!! so i had to push it with my feet and lock it with my right hand... and then he knew i had his key.. so he'd be waiting out there.. another scary part was when we were all still inside the cell and we were watching the guard watching us. watching me.. as i tried to move slowly and slip the key inside my pocket.. but he saw what i was doing and he stared at me wide-eyed and smiled... *shudder* scary smile..

I remember thinking about that first dream a lot, after it happened....It amazes me how I can think about this one and still feel like I can relate to it. The face of the first boy is still fresh in my mind. I know him in real life....The second boy? I might know who it is, I don't remember now. But as always, "third time's a charm." If it was a movie, you'd be able to tell it was the right guy because he offered to wait before I even asked him to. And he didn't just say he'd wait; I remember hearing, "I'll wait for you." Those words registered as being meaningful and sincere. And in a movie, of course that would have a double meaning, haha.

It was one of those dreams that left me waking up thinking, "I don't want to be alone." Now that I'm older and I actually know what I want, it seems kind of silly that I was thinking about the right person for me....at the age of 15.

(One year later, I believe I found the guy without looking for him.)

And in the second dream--

You can always tell when I'm tired, because when I write, nothing makes sense. Everything is either a run-on sentence or a fragment, and then nothing makes sense.....as if dreams aren't already confusing as it is. This second dream is just.... . . . . ... . .. .. whaaaa....

I both love and hate having deja vu of dreams. Sometimes, I think they really happened. But it's great when I remember they're dreams -- I get all excited.

But it's so frustrating when it just slips my mind, because there's an 80% chance I won't get it back until something triggers the memory of it years later.

I wonder what it would be like to be in a real prison cell. Having no experience with that kind of situation, I wouldn't know anything about it. If I could make this dream (or any other dream) take place in real life, I wonder how accurately I would measure my imagination to be. Ceiling heights, lengths and widths of the room, thickness of the door.....all that.

I talked about that signature smile before.

The one that gives me goosebumps when I see it (and I've only ever seen it in dreams -- I feel like it's not possible to look that demonic in real life).

Really, it is a demonic smile. It's full of polished teeth concealing some dark abyss I'm not familiar with. Whenever I dream of someone smiling like that, I think, "That thing is not me."

It is me, it's just not what I think of myself.

Some people would say that if evil had a physical form, it would be a huge, black dog with rabies or something. Or maybe a black cat that hisses....or a snake....or whatever.

That smile is the manifestation of evil in my imagination. If evil had a face, it would smile correctly and contemptuously. It would be perfect to the point where the gesture looks alien to the rest of the person's face, as if it's some parasite clinging to the roof of your mouth.

It would almost pass as a genuinely pure smile if not for closer inspection, making it blend so easily with the rest of the world.

I guess I got that mentality from observing all the fake smiles that people put on, or seeing how people act nicely one moment, and then they go and contradict it.

We all have a little bit of evil in us.

What does it look like to you?

Xanga Post 16: Part I - Sensible Creation

I really hope you're not intimidated by the fact that this is considerably lengthy and only "Part I," because I promise you it is worth reading and considering. If it makes you feel better, the block quote is comprised of three dreams. You need only read the first one to understand the rest of this post. The following two dreams will be the subjects of Part II. So feel free to skip them for now. :)

There are certain aspects of dreams that seem repetitive and reminiscent, kind of like a song with a sample from another tune. If you've seen Inception (again with that movie... that brilliant movie), it's similar to....... "take a leap of faith."

This obnoxious gap of space is to keep you from reading spoilers in case you haven't seen it.

***spoiler alert***

For those of you who don't know, that phrase being said again and again by different characters (Saito and Mal) is one observation that could back up a theory that the entire movie was a dream.
However, I think there are far more outweighing details in the movie that tell us otherwise; that Cobb is not dreaming for the entirety of the movie, only some parts of it.

*** spoiler alert***

Well! Now that you didn't read that....
The brain recycles information and fits it in ideal spots, which explains why I dream of certain things again and again, be it a person, place, thing, sentence, etc. I think of it as an error message; something my brain has to process, leave for later, and come back to it to try again. Everything's a puzzle, when I sleep.

This particular Xanga update is a pretty good example of what I mean.

9.4.2005 __sunday____
the other night i had a dream i was a governess or something. i don't really remember who i was. but i was in an old house - it was dark and big, it might have even been a castle. i remember seeing a man walking quickly down the stairs that lined the walls. there were several landings and floors. so i chased after him. i knew him as the father of the children i was the governess of, and the master of the castle. as i glided down the staircase as swiftly as he, i had flashes of three women screaming after him. screaming, and then a raspy scream. at one point they were women: a housekeeper, a maid, and another servant. at another point i saw three skulls and the upper half of their skeletons. i looked up as i was running and i saw them at the top of the landing behind me, screaming after him. they called out his name, "WAAARRRRICK!!"
when i looked over at him and saw him making his way around the banister, he was moving as quickly as he could without running - which was still pretty quick for me.. then we were in the dark driveway. i was calling after him as he got in the driver's seat of his car. inside were his children - two girls and a boy, his son being the oldest. warrick didn't listen to me but closed the door and started the engine while the children were staring out at me. i don't remember anymore if they were panicked or they wanted to leave me, but they were watching me. and then i saw the littlest girl in the back looking out the window. i remember thinking that she looked like she'd given up.
and then the car started to fill up with water and sparks were flying everywhere. i ran up to the car and opened the doors. the water poured out and they fell out; i helped them up.

________________________

last night's dream was different. i had two, actually. in the first one, all my 8th grade friends and classmates were there. we were having a party. a dance, a ball. we had to dress formally; the girls wore gowns and the guys wore suits - tuxedos, if they wanted. they were all waltzing and dancing (very well choreographed, might i add.. lol). i saw my friends with their boyfriends and girlfriends before they broke up, having a great time. i was on the side watching them, watching people arriving and meeting and greeting each other. i saw someone on my left looking my way, but i thought he was looking for someone past me. so i got up and started to leave - until he took my hand and turned me around to say hi. it was .... i didn't see him for so long. he was one of the few who chose to come in a tuxedo. he extended his hand for a handshake, but i hugged him instead. :) so he patted my head and hugged me back. lol
i told him to wait because i had to take care of something upstairs (the party was in what was my house in the dream. the room was wide and it was dark, so it reminded me of the castle in the previous dream), so i left him there. i had to fix things in my room, check my cell phone for messages from people trying to find their way to the party.. and i could hear his thoughts, "i'm want to dance with her." so i hurried to organize things. but when i went back downstairs, i couldn't find him anywhere. he left.
and then i saw my other friend, ..... he talked to me for a while, and i thought we were going to dance. but then someone else called me and i asked him to wait there for me. i was engaged in another conversation, and when i returned, he was dancing with someone.
when i was so sure i would be bored to death at this party, someone came up to me and sat down beside me. he started to talk to me and make me laugh, and then he asked me to dance with him. i said yes, but at the same time someone bumped into me and spilled her drink on a small part of my gown. so i looked at him and he said he'd wait for me while i went to clean it. it took such a long time to get it out, i was so sure he'd left to dance with someone else, but when i came back he was still standing in the same spot i'd left him.


but i don't know what he looked like. :-\ (you can start laughing now)


eh.. this entry's become longer than i expected. that second dream doesn't really matter, i guess. it's just all deja vu of another dream. and me feeling like i'm in trouble because i'm trapped in a prison cell with two other people and the doorknob has a keyhole (don't know why) and i have a key when i'm not supposed to and the guard knows i have it when he looks inside sees me try to put it in my pocket, so he smiles dangerously at me as if he'll kill me if i come out. it was scary because when i opened it for the first time, there was nobody there. but when i tried to close the door and was about to put the key into the keyhole, i couldn't get it in there. i wasn't quick enough! and then i heard footsteps coming my way so i jammed it in there but then the guard was starting to open the door and it was opening!! so i had to push it with my feet and lock it with my right hand... and then he knew i had his key.. so he'd be waiting out there.. another scary part was when we were all still inside the cell and we were watching the guard watching us. watching me.. as i tried to move slowly and slip the key inside my pocket.. but he saw what i was doing and he stared at me wide-eyed and smiled... *shudder* scary smile..

My mind has a thing for raspy voices and wide-eyed, toothy smiles. It's those things that are my own equivalent to "a leap of faith." I don't even notice that those elements appear again, as I'm dreaming it up. It seems to fit the context of the story pretty well. It's only from writing down all the details and reading over it again that I was able to pick that out.
Well, I suppose that I have to know somehow. There's that underlying feeling, very faint and almost nonexistent, but it's there: awareness.

I'm telling you, details are of the utmost importance. ;)

Let's talk architecture, shall we?

I swear, the place I dreamt of was complete with all details. Every brick, every railing, every motif in place. Every year of aging was evident in the worn grooves of the steps I walked on. The raspy screams of the women echoed appropriately, bouncing off of the correct surfaces accordingly and reaching my eardrums. The fading light outside shone through distant trees and ran across the open field to violently, silently meet Warrick and his children when they burst through the doors.

But we know none of it was real, correct?

Everything is as real as your mind makes it. You can still have your five senses. And those five senses do nothing if not aid us in how we perceive our world.
As far as I'm concerned, when I dream, nothing exists until I interact with it. There was no castle until I saw it. The steps I walked on didn't exist until my feet touched them on my way down. My brain almost-simultaneously created the walls around me and created the right echoes that those walls would allow. It's exactly as Cobb said in the movie: when we dream, our brain follows a cycle of creating and perceiving the creation in an almost seamless motion.

And lucidity is the key to get in between the two motions.

Now, since I wasn't lucid in these dreams, my brain subconsciously created something that I perceived as an old castle. What did it look like on the outside? I don't know. What did the kitchen look like? The bedrooms? I don't know. I didn't create all of it. I just came up with what I would interact with according to my senses. Like the set of a play, this castle of mine was created efficiently and... well, sensibly.

What's outside my bedroom right now, as I'm awake?
Well, I know it's the hallway, and that Evie's room is right across from me. I could draw you a picture of what's out there, down to what color the doorknobs are (they're golden). I've been there a countless number of times. It's stored in my memory, and I can't erase it.
But I'm not looking at it right now, and I can't hear anything that might tell me which walls are where or how high the ceiling is.

For all I care, nothing exists outside my bedroom right now...